President* Joe Biden has reportedly decided to make history by simultaneously kickstarting both World War III and a Civil War, marking an unprecedented achievement for the United States. Political analysts are calling it the ultimate presidential multitasking, as Biden aims to redefine the concept of international relations and domestic conflict resolution.

Insiders from the White House suggest that Biden was inspired by the idea of creating a cinematic blockbuster on the global stage. “Why settle for just one major historical event when you can have two?” a source close to the President quipped. “It’s like a Marvel crossover, but with more political intrigue.”

The plan, according to unnamed officials, involves strategically choreographing conflicts to keep the audience – the global population – on the edge of their seats. World leaders, unaware of their roles in this grand production, are expected to deliver lines such as, “You can’t start a world war without breaking a few alliances,” and “I thought we were on the same side in this script!”

Meanwhile, back home, the Civil War subplot will reportedly unfold with a series of surprising twists and turns. Factions are expected to form based on various grievances, ranging from the debate over pineapple on pizza to the perennial struggle of choosing between cats and dogs as pets.

Critics argue that this ambitious project might be too much for one administration to handle. “It’s like juggling flaming torches while riding a unicycle – sure, it sounds impressive, but what could possibly go wrong?” remarked a skeptical political commentator.

As the world braces for the premiere of Biden’s double feature, historians are already sharpening their quills to document this unprecedented chapter in American history. Whether it will be hailed as a masterstroke or panned as a disastrous flop remains to be seen, but one thing is certain – Joe Biden is determined to leave an indelible mark on the annals of global chaos.

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