WASHINGTON, DC—President* Joe Biden is appalled that stores still have “Black Friday,” nearly 60 years after the Civil Rights movement.

“You’re telling me this is the only day that blacks can shop at these stores?” Biden said in response to hearing about the massive fighting and trampling that occurred during the pseudo national holiday this year. “That’s appalling. I would at least let them shop on some Tuesdays also. We can’t have so many people just shopping one day. It’s barbaric.”

Black Friday is the heavily promoted shopping day in which many stores make it “into the black” meaning they start making money for the year. It has nothing to do with race.

“This is pure racism! It needs to stop! This is—what year is it? Anyway, the Civil War was a long time ago. I should know because I was senator back then!” Biden added. “I just can’t believe that such institutionalized racism exists anymore. If I’m ever elected president, I will end the racist holiday forever.”

However, critics argue that the proposal might be inadvertently perpetuating stereotypes by associating specific days with particular racial or ethnic groups. Some skeptics even question the feasibility of renaming every day for shopping purposes, expressing concerns that the calendar might become as cluttered as a discount store on Black Friday itself.

Undeterred by the skeptics, President Biden continued, “We’ve got to break free from the limitations of the past. African Americans should be free to shop whenever they please, just like everyone else. It’s not about colors; it’s about choices.”

Biden is currently reviewing a plan to let African Americans with his “Certified Black” cards shop on some Tuesdays and Wednesdays too.

“It just makes sense man! If you let the negroes shop on other days, it won’t be as crazy the day after Thanksgiving,” Biden said.

^{Originally published November 29, 2019}

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