HOUSTON—Following decades of debate among libertarians as to what constitutes a “real libertarian,’ top party members gathered in Houston for a WWE-style battle royale match to claim the title.
Special guest referee was 85-year-old Ron Paul. The former congressman explained the rules over the course of fifteen minutes, which included only seven tangents and a ten minute rant about ending the Fed. All competitors start the match in the ring and are eliminated when they are thrown over the top rope.
The match started off slow, as nobody wanted to physically engage with one another and violate the non-aggression principle. It wasn’t until Austin Petersen blurted out, “Trump 2020” that the chaos started.
First eliminated was the obviously inebriated John McAfee by Andrew Napolitano. He didn’t seem to mind as six bikini-clad South American women escorted him out of the arena.
Gary Johnson was hit over the head with a steel chair. Knocked silly with his tongue hanging out he asked the audience, “What is a battle royale?” Despite his disorientation, Johnson managed to stay in the ring a few more minutes before getting eliminated largely due to lack of effort and not taking the match seriously.
In an attempt to win over the crowd, Peter Schiff paid fan-favorite Vince Vaughn to eliminate Jo Jorgensen. Unfortunately, the audience remained silent as nobody knew who she was.
Some fans in audience held up their “BEN DESTROYS EVERYONE” signs, but nobody told them Mr. Shapiro was at home because the match was on a Sunday.
Bill Weld wasn’t expected to attend but showed up late before being held up at gun point mid-match. The former anti-gun Governor left the ring when he realized he had nothing to defend himself with.
Justin Amash soon quit too despite a strong performance early in the match. His wrestling career may never recover.
The final four entrants were Tom Massie, Rand Paul, Ted Cruz, and Mike Lee. The crowd went wild, cheering for their favorites as each man stood in their own corner. Unfortunately for Massie, the three Senators teamed up and eliminated him from the ring yelling, “Back to the House, bitch!”
In an unholy wrestling alliance not seen since the formation of the NWO, the Senators posed in the ring together. Rand Paul and Ted Cruz tore their shirts off. Paul’s six pack abs glistened under the lights while Ted Cruz showed off his Zodiac tattoo covered chest.
The match appeared to be over when mid-celebration, Glenn “Kane” Jacobs emerged from a hole torn in the ring. The 7 foot ring-veteran chokeslammed the Senators and tossed them out of the ring like rag dolls.
Jacobs’s pyro ignited and his music started playing when Ron Paul removed his referee shirt, entering himself in the match. He clotheslined Kane over the rope and declared himself the winner.
Much of the crowd booed the results and began arguing with other audience members. A riot soon broke out and the arena was burned to the ground.
In the end, nothing was accomplished that day.