Mayor Lightfoot explains why her haircuts are essential and yours aren’t

Mayor of Chicago, Lori Lightfoot, has ordered a Chicago lockdown and all hair salons to close. However, as she recently explained during a news conference, “I am the face of the city, look at this face, stare at it, keep looking, now look at my hair, nice ain’t it? Yours? Not so much. It takes a skilled professional to get make it look like I just rolled out of bed.”

“My hair is not like yours. It’s gay hair and the first openly gay, Mayoral gay hair, in Chicago. My hair has been certified Kosher gluten-free, low on the Glycemic Index, and Carbon Neutral. Yours isn’t. That’s why I need a haircut from a professional stylist and you don’t. Look at my face again. This is the face of the city.”

Several reporters were forced to leave the news conference after directly staring at the Mayor’s face for a bit too long but they did eventually recover after a long bathroom break.

“We’re all in this together,” Lightfoot said. “But some of us are all in this together more than others.”

One reporter did ask, “Mayor Lightfoot, your hair is amazing. There is a mist around your hair that reminds me of sneeze spray. Any comments?”

The Mayor was then forced to admit she is a very good friend of Joe Biden. Further admitting, since he has been basement-bound, he has requested his closest friends to visit him in Delaware for a ‘sniff-in’. While there, he noticed Lori’s hair had been thinning of late.

As a gesture of their friendship, he was kind enough to donate nose-hair plugs which she graciously accepted. If one looks closely at her most recent pictures it becomes pretty obvious the more one stares at her face and hair. Keep staring at her hair. See what I mean? Just stay close to a bathroom.

“Sure, any drunken sailor with a Flowbee could emulate this style, but I’m special because I’m the boss,” Lightfoot added.