Detroit, MI — According to embedded sources, Michigan’s designated administrator Gretchen Whitmer has reached out to the Combine Army from Half-Life 2 for assistance in enforcing her quarantine.

The inter-dimensional planet conquering horde has responded with enthusiasm, sending thousands of mutant soldiers to ensure residents stay in their homes and don’t buy tulip bulbs for their gardens.

Detroit, which has been renamed ‘City 17’ for simplicity’s sake, has welcomed these benevolent benefactors with open arms, according to the new mayor, Dr. Breem.

Starting today, any residents caught in a powered watercraft or in the garden section of Lowes will be immediately disintegrated by a Strider’s laser cannon or forcibly assimilated into the all-powerful alien collective.

We join Administrator Whitmer in welcoming our kind benefactors.

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The Petty Prophet

The Petty Prophet is a shadowy figure and a reporter-at-large for Genesius Times. Little is known about him, but he’s most likely a straight white male. Ew. You should probably disavow everything he writes if you know what’s good for you. Follow at www.thepettyprophet.com

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