Millions of Children Become Hardened Capitalists After Hefty “Dad Tax” Imposed on Halloween Candy This Year
Millions of children became hardened as capitalists this weekend after their fathers collected a portion of their Halloween candy under an arrangement known as the dad tax.
The tax, applied in households across the country, typically requires each child to surrender a share of the night’s haul upon returning home. Fathers described the collection as a standing condition of participation in trick-or-treating. Most children reluctantly complied and retained the remainder.
“Sometimes they just have to learn the hard way,” one father said. “They get dressed up, do all the work, and then the government comes in and takes their hard-earned candy. It’s brutal but that’s life.”
Some kids were seen downloading videos of Milton Friedman and others registered as Republicans on the spot.
Little Bobby, who dressed as a donkey this year, was seen punching the donkey in the face yelling, “Stupid socialist donkey!” in response to the hefty taxes this year.
Children who paid the highest rates separated their bags and declined to share with siblings who had contributed less. Several asked their fathers whether the tax could be reduced through prior negotiation. One girl calculated the number of additional houses required to restore her original total and wrote the figure on the back of a fun-size wrapper.
Fathers reported fewer arguments than in prior years. Most children accepted the withheld portion without further protest and directed their attention to protecting what remained. Surveys conducted Sunday found that nearly all now describe the leftover candy as private property. They identified themselves as capitalists when asked. The fathers said the tax will be applied again next year on the same terms.
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