NEW YORK— In a shocking and totally statistically sound survey, MSDNC has released a new poll revealing that 5 out of 4 Americans would rather see Vice President Kamala Harris as the next President of the United States than former President Donald Trump.

The poll, conducted with the utmost journalistic integrity, surveyed a diverse group of individuals who all live within the same Brooklyn coffee shop. The results were clear and unequivocal: Kamala Harris has a popularity rating that defies mathematical constraints.

Lead pollster and barista, Mocha Latte, explained the methodology behind this groundbreaking survey. “We asked everyone in the coffee shop during peak avocado toast hours, ensuring we got a representative sample of America’s most informed and engaged citizens.”

One of the respondents, an artisanal tofu sculptor named Skylar, shared his reasons for supporting Harris. “Kamala just vibes with me, you know? She’s got that thing where she laughs at her own jokes, and it’s like, super relatable. Plus, anyone who can explain the complexities of the geopolitical landscape while making me a caramel macchiato is just presidential material.”

MSDNC’s Chief Political Analyst, Chuck Flowchart, elaborated on the findings. “This poll is a clear indicator of the national sentiment. The fact that 5 out of 4 Americans—a statistic so compelling it breaks the laws of arithmetic—prefer Harris to Trump, shows just how out of touch the former president is with the latte-sipping, WiFi-dependent electorate.”

In response to the poll, Kamala Harris held a press conference where she couldn’t stop giggling. “This poll is truly inspiring,” she said, after catching her breath from an extended laughing fit. “It shows that the American people are ready for leadership that can both laugh and lead.”

Donald Trump, upon hearing the poll results, took to his social media platform, Truthiness Social, to express his disbelief. “5 out of 4? What a joke! Everyone knows numbers don’t lie, but MSDNC does. This poll is as fake as my impeachment trials!”

Critics, however, have questioned the validity of the poll. “It’s not mathematically possible for 5 out of 4 people to prefer anything,” said Dr. Noom Eric Al, a mathematician from the Institute of Numbers That Make Sense. “This poll defies basic principles of counting and should not be taken seriously.”

Despite the controversy, MSDNC stands by its findings. “We are committed to bringing the truth to light, no matter how many fundamental principles of mathematics we have to ignore,” said network spokesperson Ima Spinster.

As the 2024 presidential election approaches, it remains to be seen whether these poll results will hold up in more traditional surveys. But for now, Kamala Harris can bask in the glow of being the preferred candidate by an impossible majority of Americans.

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