US—Americans across the country came together on June 19th to celebrate the momentous occasion of Juneteenth – the day when the government freed slaves from the plantation and graciously welcomed them into the warm embrace of state servitude.

For those unfamiliar with the history of Juneteenth, it marks the day in 1865 when Union General Gordon Granger arrived in Galveston, Texas, to inform slaves that they had been emancipated by President Abraham Lincoln’s Emancipation Proclamation two and a half years earlier. In the spirit of national unity and brotherly love, the government then immediately set about the task of enacting a series of laws and policies that would ensure that these newly freed slaves would remain in a state of perpetual bondage, albeit with a few minor improvements.

According to government officials, Juneteenth is a day to celebrate the progress that has been made in the ongoing struggle for freedom and equality in America. “We’ve come a long way since the days of the plantation,” said one enthusiastic supporter of the holiday. “Now, instead of being forced to pick cotton under the watchful eye of a slave master, we can enjoy the freedom of picking up trash and scrubbing toilets for minimum wage.”

In honor of Juneteenth, cities and towns across the country have organized a series of festivities and events, including parades, cookouts, and concerts. In Washington, D.C., the White House hosted a special gala to commemorate the occasion, featuring a keynote speech by President Joe Biden, who hailed Juneteenth as a ” testament to the indomitable spirit of the American people.”

“We may not have achieved full equality yet,” said the President, “but we’re making progress. And that’s something to celebrate.”

Despite the widespread enthusiasm for Juneteenth, not everyone is convinced that the holiday is worth celebrating. “It’s a bit like celebrating Columbus Day or Thanksgiving,” said one critic. “It’s a day that commemorates a great injustice, and yet we’re supposed to pretend that everything is just fine now.”

Nevertheless, the government remains committed to celebrating Juneteenth, and has even declared it a national holiday. “We want everyone to feel like they’re a part of this great nation,” said one spokesperson. “And what better way to do that than by celebrating the day when we freed the slaves and made them our own?”

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