Bless me dear readers for I have sinned. Well, technically, I have sinned according to the ancient precepts of the patriarchal institution known as the Catholic Church. An institution that has kept women back for at least a million years, and always shows up wagging its finger right when you are about to have a good time.

Well, my “sin” according to these old geezers is that I like to punch hobos. And not only punch them, but go all Mike Tyson on them. One time, I hit a hobo so hard that he didn’t wake up for a week. IT FELT SO GOOD! But anyway, I was told by a Catholic friend of mine that it is a very uncharitable thing to do and that I should stop.

Guess what? Over the weekend, I read all of Jesus’ words, they were easy to find because they were written in red, and not once did he say a single thing about pretending like you are Mike Tyson who is defending his belt against hobos, and punching them so hard they wake up as Tony Tubbs in 1988.

So take that, stupid Catholics, cold-cocking hobos is totally progressive and an all around a nice thing to do; if it weren’t, don’t you think Jesus would have specifically addressed it? Add that to the laundry list of things Jesus never said!

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Earnest O'Connor

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