WASHINGTON, DC—Weeks into Joe Biden’s presidency, Democratic strategists have finally find someone capable of interpreting what the hell he is saying.

After an exhaustive search, the Democratic National Committee has selected world renowned rock star Ozzy Osbourne to interpret the unintelligible former vice president.

“We were a little worried about Ozzy after the elderly rocker was stricken with pneumonia, but we were encouraged after listening to Ozzy’s peaceful spoken word meditations album and he really is the only person who speaks anything close to Bidenese,” President Vice President Kamala Harris said.

After going through several speech writers during the campaign including Jar Jar Binks and The Swedish Chef, staffers realized that it wasn’t the speech-writers making Biden sound like a complete jumbled mess but the senile politician himself.

Osbourne is excited about the new role.

“I just flumbba jigga pallug muhd, see?” Osbourne said in his first interview as translator. “And the jifflun huhhzzah willy jiggles.”

Biden expressed some hesitance.

“Only one person can fill the tank of a leaf blower on a sunny day and that ain’t slack, Jack. What am I doing here again?”

_{Originally published March 7, 2021.}

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