PORTLAND, OR—Mayor Ted Wheeler minced no words as he took full responsibility for blaming other people for the problems in his city.

“As mayor of this great city, I have worked tirelessly to blame other people for the problems we face. And this latest incident of lawlessness is no exception. I put the blame completely on President Trump. It’s up to me to make sure that everyone knows it’s not my fault, and I’m willing put the effort in to make that clear,” Wheeler said in a press interview.

Portland has recently received bad press after Joe Biden rallies have decimated parts of the city and recently, a Trump supporter was murdered in cold blood following a parade in the city.

“The buck stops here,” Wheeler said. “My mother always raised me to take responsibility, so I’m doing just that. I’m taking full responsibility for blaming Trump for the literal war zone that Portland has become.”

Wheeler said that it was clearly Trump’s fault for letting a band of Biden supporters take over part of the city and attempt to destroy a federal courthouse there.

“The fires and destruction of small businesses in Portland? Trump’s fault. My erectile dysfunction and man-boobs? Trump’s Fault,” Wheeler said, wiping tear gas from his face as Portland burns to the ground. “It’s Trump’s fault. Everything is Trump’s fault!”

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts