WASHINGTON, DC—At 5AM Eastern Time today President-Elect Biden issued another executive order, declaring the Philadelphia Eagles the Super Bowl Champions for 2021. He also cancelled the actual game set to be played between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.
“I signed that order because it was the woke thing to do,” said Biden, a lifelong Eagles fan. “Think of all the carbon emissions from people traveling. And all the electricity that will be used up from people watching the game. C’mon man, Trump never canceled the game!”
President Biden also informed us that in spite of having corporate backing, the Superbowl was a super-spreader event.
We pressed Biden further, but he had called a lid by shouting “I call a lid!”, spinning around three times, and thumbing his nose at us before we could finish our question. We interviewed Jenn Psaki, White House Press secretary instead.
“The Superbowl? Oh that,” said Psaki, “Eagles won. Any further questions and I will have to circle back on that.”
“I do not understand Biden’s decision,” said Health Czar, Dr. Anthony Fauci, “the virus only spreads when conservatives are in charge. Besides, every NFL player and fan in attendance were going to wear masks or have their hands out like this! Biden legislated that and everything!”
We approached the Chief’s mascot, KC Wolf for comment. Due to the stress of the game being canceled, Mr. Wolf had nothing to say but could only hang his head in sadness.
Other sources exclusive to the Genesius Times have confirmed that the Biden cabinet plan to shut down the NFL entirely.
“The NFL and its games are an old, wrong way of thinking,” said Environment Czar John Kerry, “Can’t these NFL players and referees just learn how to make solar panels?”
We attempted to contact Biden’s Economics Czar the well-known Democratic Socialist Bernie Sanders, but Sanders was too busy writing his new book on the evils of capitalism, at one of his newly acquired houses.
The NFL and the Superbowl are no more.
UPDATE: President Biden has just signed another executive order, overturning the cancellation of the Super Bowl but maintaining the Eagles as winners.