Robert Mueller assigned as special counsel to investigate Epstein suicide

Due to his impeccable record as a dependable legal counsel in investigation of important matters and ability to come up with clear, concrete answers in a timely manner, Robert Mueller has been appointed as special counsel to investigate the death of Jeffrey Epstein.

“I’m honored to take on this responsibility,” Mueller said in a press conference announcing the decision. “But I just want to make clear from the get-go that nothing is in my purview.”

The investigation is estimated to take 12 years, which is past the time that experts say the Earth will exist due to climate change.

“This is a great moment for America that will be drawn out exceedingly long without any clear resolution after the fact,” political analyst Thomas Jefferson said.

Epstein died under mysterious conditions while he was detained for a sex trafficking investigation.