WASHINGTON, DC—Pentagon officials have released of aerial photos of Russian tanks, trucks and equipment amassing on the Ukraine border positioned to spell out “Let’s go Brandon!”

Major General Martin Milktoast gave us this statement. “I’ve been with the intelligence communities since the Berlin wall came down. Faced all the Russian top dogs. They’re known for disguising their intentions, crafty bastards. They set up in the two back formation and then, at the last minute send a wide out on the post. They play great defense and use the blitz. Put pressure on the center.”

The State Department has ordered families of U.S. Embassy personnel to begin evacuating and the Biden Administration had suggest using the deserted Bagram Airforce Base in Kabul, Afghanistan again as they have already had some practice there. Large shipments of ‘lethal aid’ were sent to the nearby towns of Kharkiv and Lukansk in the Ukraine and Rehoboth Beach, Delaware near the Biden’s beach house. Asked what comprised lethal aid, Jen Psaki, White House spokesperson explained. “The usual stuff… same stuff they use on Antifa in Seattle, I think. Mostly flyers supporting free elections and condoms. Plenty of those, they are soldiers, right?”

President Putin was asked to comment and gave this statement. “How many? You’re shitting me, right? Who gave that f******* order? 10,000… no, I said the troops could go to mass, you know, church… who the…excuse me, I have to make a call!”

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