HADES—Today, Satan tweeted out that, effective immediately, Trump and his supporters will be banned from every circle of Hell.
“Effective immediately, for as long as I remain the Prince of Darkness, @Donald Trump and his supporters will be banned from ever entering any circle of Hell. Trump’s psychotic obsession with truth, fairness, and equal treatment under the law are absolutely offensive to everything we stand for in Hell. His unwillingness to accept fraud makes him unfit for a community built on lies.”
In a seperate Tweet, Asmodeus, the Archdemon of Lust, declared, “I, for one, can no longer stand by and remain silent in the face of @Donald Trump’s hateful opposition to abortion, his disgusting sanctuary policies giving succor to those who follow the Eternal One’s archane rules forbidding sodomy and defining sex according to a person’s biological makeup. Let there be no mistake. On my watch, Hell will always remain a safe place for those who wish to practice deviant sexual behavior.”
Hell now joins Twitter, Facebook, Google, and Apple, along with a growing list of thrones, dominions, principalities and powers, in banning Donald Trump and his 75,000,000 voters.
“@Donald Trump’s grotesque support of fanatical Jews and Christians who actually serve God,” Satan went on to say, “is dangerous to everything we in Hell have worked for since the beginning of time. His undemocratic opposition to Communism, Socialism, and Anarchy, and his reprehensible insistence on the value of family, tradition, and national identity, have done lasting harm to society.”
Satan also lamented the ever-worsening pandemic of peace in the Middle East, which he said, “jeopardizes Beelzebul’s venerable legacy and over four millennia of hard-fought victories” in the region.
“That’s why,” Satan tweeted, “after much deliberation, and after consulting the Infernal Council of Archdemons [which includes such heavyweight devils as Asmodeus, Moloch, Mephistopheles, and Balaam], I have decided that Donald J. Trump and all those who enable him, who voted for him, who serve in his Administration, and who stand with him in Congress, are unwelcome anywhere in Hell and are permanently banned. Hell is a tolerant community, but the nightmarish spectacle of the last four years can’t be allowed to go unpunished.”