PALO ALTO, CA – Several scientists from the Institute of California Social Justice Science (ICSJS) released a study yesterday claiming that burning Tesla electric vehicles to the ground is better for the planet than keeping them on the road. The report, already dubbed “The Great Tesla Roast,” has sparked outrage, memes, and a sudden spike in backyard bonfire permits.

The study, led by Dr. Fiona Flare, argues that Teslas—despite their zero-emission hype—still contribute to environmental harm through battery production, tire wear, and the “insufferable smugness” of their drivers. But the real kicker? Burning them, the scientists say, is a net positive. “When you torch a Tesla, you’re releasing its stored carbon in one glorious blaze,” Flare explained at a press conference, dodging tomatoes. “It’s like a controlled forest fire—cleansing, purifying, and way more cinematic than recycling.”

According to the ICHT’s dubious math, a single Tesla inferno neutralizes the equivalent of 12 years’ worth of gas-guzzler emissions. The logic hinges on something called “pyro-catharsis,” a process where the act of burning allegedly traps pollutants in a “cosmic ash cloud” that “probably” dissipates harmlessly into space. Plus, the scientists add, the spectacle inspires people to ditch cars entirely and walk, “because who needs a Tesla when you’ve seen one melt into a puddle of dreams?”

The internet, naturally, exploded. X lit up with #BurnYourTesla trending worldwide, alongside videos of pranksters waving lighters near charging stations and captions like “Saving the planet, one fireball at a time.” Tesla stans fought back, posting tearful selfies with their Model Ys and calling the study “Big Oil propaganda.” One user raged, “My car’s vegan leather seats did NOT die for this!” Meanwhile, climate deniers cheered, misinterpreting the report as a free pass to burn all cars.

Elon Musk, never one to stay quiet, fired off a cryptic X post: “ = fake news. Teslas are eternal. Also, I’m building a fireproof Cybertruck. Stay tuned.” Tesla’s stock dipped 3% before rebounding when Musk tweeted a meme of himself as a phoenix rising from flames. Analysts suspect he’s already planning a “Flame Edition” Model S to capitalize on the chaos.

Environmental groups, caught off guard, issued frantic statements. “Please don’t burn your cars,” pleaded Greenpeace spokesperson Lena Green. “This study is nonsense. It’s like saying eating coal is good for your teeth.” But the damage was done—reports of “Tesla bonfire parties” popped up from California to Copenhagen, with one viral clip showing a Model 3 engulfed in flames while partygoers chanted, “For Mother Earth!”

The ICHT, unfazed by the backlash, doubled down. “Look, mining lithium is messy, and those batteries don’t biodegrade,” said co-author Dr. Carl Cinder. “But burn ‘em right, and you’ve got a one-way ticket to eco-hero status. Plus, it’s cheaper than trading in for a new one.” When pressed on the study’s funding, Cinder admitted it was “partially bankrolled” by a mysterious group called “Friends of Fossil,” but insisted, “That’s just a coincidence.”

Local fire departments, meanwhile, are begging for calm. “We’re getting calls about ‘green burns’ every hour,” said Chief Dana Sparks of the Palo Alto Fire Department. “People, stop it. Your Tesla’s not a campfire. And no, we’re not issuing ‘eco-arson’ permits.”

As the controversy rages, the ICHT is planning a follow-up study titled “Why Smashing Solar Panels Saves the Sun.” For now, they’re urging Tesla owners to “think globally, burn locally.” Whether anyone’s actually listening—or just grabbing marshmallows—remains to be seen.

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