KEYSTONE, South Dakota – In a move that has left historians, geologists, and just about everyone else in utter disbelief, former President Donald Trump unveiled his likeness carved into the iconic Mount Rushmore National Memorial during a star-studded Presidents’ Day ceremony. The event, which Trump dubbed “Trumpmore Unveiling 2025,” was a spectacle of fireworks, MAGA hats, and an unexpected cameo by a CGI-ed Abraham Lincoln who appeared to give Trump a digital thumbs up.

Trump’s face, now chiseled into the granite next to Presidents Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt, and Lincoln, was met with a mix of thunderous applause from his supporters and a collective facepalm from the rest of the nation. “It’s not just a monument anymore; it’s a living testament to my presidency,” Trump declared, standing in front of his newly carved visage, which some critics noted bore a striking resemblance to his expression when he learned what “covfefe” meant.

The project, which Trump insisted was funded by “tremendous donations from the American people,” reportedly cost taxpayers an eye-watering $64 million, though this figure was quickly contested by the Trump administration, now claiming it was “only” $11 million in “artistic enhancements.” The carving was executed under the cover of night by a team of 25 designers, 30 trained stone workers, and 125 laborers who were sworn to secrecy under what was humorously termed the “Non-Disclosure Granite Pact.”

Governor Kristi Noem of South Dakota, who has long been a vocal supporter of Trump, was on hand to cut the ceremonial ribbon—or in this case, a massive red tie. “This is a dream come true for President Trump,” Noem stated, holding back tears of either joy or the sheer absurdity of the situation. “He told me once it was his dream to be on Mount Rushmore, and I said, ‘Come pick out a mountain,’ and here we are.”

The event drew a mix of reactions. Conservative pundits hailed it as a bold move to recognize Trump’s “legendary achievements,” with one Fox News host suggesting, “If you did the 250th anniversary of the country at Mount Rushmore with President Trump’s face, it would be epic.” Meanwhile, critics on social media and in the academic community decried the desecration of a national monument, with one X post humorously stating, “Roosevelt exits Mount Rushmore after Trump replaces Washington!”

Environmental groups and Native American tribes, who have long contested the construction of Mount Rushmore on sacred land, were apoplectic. “This is the final insult to our land,” said a spokesperson for the Lakota Sioux, lamenting the further defacement of the Black Hills. Environmentalists pointed out that the rock surrounding the monument was deemed “unsuitable for additional carving” by experts, a fact Trump dismissed with a wave of his hand, calling it “fake news from the failing National Park Service.”

In a bizarre twist, Trump’s administration has hinted at future plans to add more faces, including potentially Elon Musk, “for his contributions to space and digital currency,” and himself again “for his second term.” When asked about the feasibility of these plans, Trump retorted, “We’ll make it work. We’ll use the best technology, maybe even some of that fancy 3D scanning stuff. It’ll be huge.”

The unveiling has sparked a flurry of legislative action, with Florida Representative Anna Paulina Luna introducing a bill to officially sanction the addition of Trump’s face to Mount Rushmore, claiming, “His remarkable accomplishments for our country and the success he will continue to deliver deserve the highest recognition on this iconic national monument.”

As the sun sets on this historic, if not controversial, day, the new “Trumpmore” stands as a testament to Trump’s enduring influence—or at least, his enduring ego. Whether this addition will be seen as a stroke of genius or an act of vanity will be debated for years to come, but one thing is certain: Mount Rushmore will never be the same.

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