UKRAINE—As the nation awaits a Russian invasion, military leaders ordered all soldiers receive last minute critical race theory lessons in preparation for battle.
“The Russian forces will be no match for our military’s commitment to diversity, inclusion and equity,” Ukrainian General Marko Millyenko told reporters. “We’ll end the invasion faster than we’ll end whiteness.”
US and NATO contractors are leading the effort to prepare the European nation for battle. The servicemen are currently receiving CRT lectures so intense, they are skipping meals and sleep to best prepare for the pending conflict. Recent changes also moved women to the front lines and any serviceman who identifies as non-binary was promoted to Captain.
Though most Ukrainians support rigorous training, some are concerned their diversity-focused defense will withdraw and abandon the $80B in American weapons sitting by the Russian border.
“The Russians spent their resources developing weapons instead of dismantling colonialism,” an anonymous officer told reporters. “They may take Crimea but they’ll never take away our ability to listen to minority voices.”