Are you a conservative patriot who loves this country and everything it stands for? Then you better watch out, because it’s only a matter of time before your home is raided by the FBI. Here are the top ten signs:

• You posted on social media how much you hate the FBI. How dare you criticize the government!
• You celebrate the Fourth of July. An insurrectionist who supports the original insurrectionists. Go figure!
• You attended a school board meeting to criticize its members for their left-wing agenda. You’re a domestic extremist.
• You’re white. Don’t try to hide it – you’re a white supremacist.
• You believe in the nuclear family. There’s no greater threat to the human race than that!
• You’re pro-life. How dare you oppose the dismemberment of innocent babies in the womb!
• You own one of those really big, scary-looking fully-semi-automatic machine guns. You probably own a nuclear bomb too.
• You don’t have pronouns in your Twitter bio. Literal violence against the transgender community!
• You don’t have a picture of the Ukrainian flag in your Twitter bio. You’re definitely working for the Russians.
• You support Donald Trump. The biggest act of treason against the United States ever! Off with your head!

We hope this little guide prepares you for the inevitable if the FBI shows up to your house. If you need any legal advice, call Donald Trump. By now he’s an expert on this stuff.

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Rafi Metz

Rafi is the king of satire, a master of his trade. Nobody is immune to his hyperbolic and satirical outrage. Nobody is spared from being the object of his incessant mockery. Because at the end of the day, everyone is a parody of themselves.

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