Washington, D.C. – In a move that has left global leaders scratching their heads and cartographers reaching for their erasers, former President Donald Trump, now back in the Oval Office, announced the end of the U.S.-China trade war with an unprecedented deal: trading Hong Kong to China in exchange for Portland, Oregon. The agreement, finalized over what Trump called “the best dim sum I’ve ever had, believe me,” marks a new chapter in international relations—and a new zip code for the residents of both cities.

“I fixed it, folks. I fixed the trade war. Nobody thought I could do it, but I did,” Trump boasted at a press conference, holding up a map with Hong Kong and Portland crudely swapped using a Sharpie. “China gets Hong Kong—great city, lots of buildings, but honestly, too many protests. And we get Portland—beautiful, tremendous coffee, but maybe a little too much Antifa. It’s a win-win, the best deal ever.”

The deal, brokered during a late-night meeting with Chinese President Xi Jinping at a Mar-a-Lago buffet, reportedly came after Trump suggested, “Why don’t we just swap some land and call it even?” Xi, initially skeptical, warmed to the idea when Trump threw in a promise to include Portland’s entire supply of artisanal kombucha as a sweetener. “Portland has a lot of vegans,” Xi mused, according to a translator. “They’ll fit right in with Hong Kong’s bubble tea crowd.”

Portland residents, however, are less than thrilled. “This is insane!” shouted local barista and activist Skyler Moonbeam, clutching a soy latte outside a now-defunct vegan donut shop. “One minute I’m organizing a protest against corporate greed, and the next I’m being told I’m part of China? I don’t even speak Mandarin, and I’m pretty sure my kombucha stand won’t pass their health codes!” Moonbeam’s fears were echoed by thousands of Portlanders, many of whom took to the streets with signs reading, “Keep Portland Weird, Not Chinese!”

In Hong Kong, reactions were equally chaotic. Long-time resident and pro-democracy activist Jimmy Cheung was stunned to learn his city was now American territory. “We’ve been fighting for freedom for years, and now we’re… Oregonians?” Cheung said, staring at a U.S. flag being hoisted over Victoria Harbour. “I don’t even know where Oregon is. Do they have dim sum there?” Local businesses, however, saw a silver lining: McDonald’s franchises in Hong Kong immediately began advertising “Portland-style” burgers with kale and Sriracha aioli.

The swap has sparked logistical nightmares on both sides of the Pacific. Hong Kong’s 7.5 million residents are now grappling with Oregon’s legal weed laws, while Portland’s 650,000 residents are adjusting to Hong Kong’s ban on public protests. “I tried to organize a march against this whole deal, and I got arrested in, like, five minutes,” grumbled Portlander Jake Rivera, speaking via Zoom from a detention center. Meanwhile, Hong Kongers are reportedly baffled by Portland’s obsession with bike lanes and microbreweries.

International relations experts are calling the deal a geopolitical fever dream. “This is the most unhinged trade agreement I’ve ever seen,” said Dr. Evelyn Zhang, a professor of global politics at Georgetown. “You can’t just swap cities like they’re Pokémon cards. What’s next—trading Florida for Shanghai because Trump likes their orange chicken better?”

The Biden administration, which had been working on a more conventional resolution to the trade war before Trump’s return, was caught off guard. “We had a plan—tariffs, negotiations, the usual,” sighed a former Biden aide, who requested anonymity. “Now we’ve lost Portland, and I’m pretty sure Trump tried to throw in Seattle for some egg rolls.”

As the dust settles, Trump remains unfazed by the backlash. “Portland was a mess, folks. Riots, protests, too much flannel. China can handle it—they’re tough, very tough,” he said, gesturing to a new “Welcome to Hong Kong, USA” sign on his desk. “And Hong Kong? Great addition to America. We’re gonna build the best casinos there, better than Vegas. You’ll see.”

For now, the residents of both cities are left to navigate their new realities—Portlanders learning to love dim sum, and Hong Kongers discovering the joys of artisanal IPAs. The trade war may be over, but the cultural whiplash is just beginning.

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