TSA Implements Protective Measures for Passengers Seated Near Rep Brad Sherman
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a move praised by public-health experts and dry cleaners alike, the Transportation Security Administration announced Tuesday that it will begin distributing complimentary raincoats, ponchos, and travel-size umbrellas to any passenger assigned a seat within a three-row radius of Congressman Brad Sherman (D-CA).
“Yeah, we ran the numbers,” said TSA spokesperson Richard Bieders at a brief press conference held behind a plexiglass splatter shield. “Statistically, proximity to the congressman presents a greater splash risk than a Category 4 hurricane with a layover in Splash Mountain. We felt proactive measures were warranted.”
Rep. Sherman welcomed the new protocol, calling it “a thoughtful accommodation for a medical condition I definitely do not have, unless it gets me better seating.”
“Look,” the congressman explained while adjusting what appeared to be an industrial-strength athletic supporter over his suit pants, “sometimes the spirit moves a man. Or in my case, the algorithm. Blame Elon.”
Flight attendants on any flight carrying the California lawmaker will now be required to wear Level-A hazmat suits with independent air supply. Cabin flooring in the congressman’s row and the two rows immediately fore and aft will be lined with heavy-duty rubber matting normally reserved for dairy barns and certain specialty nightclubs in San Francisco.
“We considered full-floor coverage,” Bieders admitted, “but budget constraints only allowed us to protect the aisle Sherman actually uses. If Representative Toobin ever books the same flight, may God have mercy on us all.”
When asked by reporters about allegations that he had been observed viewing “adult content” at volume during recent flights, Rep. Sherman remained defiant.
“First of all, it was C-SPAN with the sound off—very different vibe,” he insisted. “Second, I politely requested a drool cup from the beverage cart. That’s just common courtesy.”
The congressman then abruptly ended the interview, citing “a sudden urge to review constituent services correspondence” and requesting that all cameras be pointed elsewhere for the next four to six minutes.
The new TSA policy takes effect immediately and will remain in place until further notice—or until Congress allocates funding for full-aircraft tarpaulins, whichever comes first.
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