UPENN combines men’s / women’s swim teams; winning now based on talent and looks

PHILADELPHIA—UPENN Board of Trustees will announce tomorrow that the best solution for the swim team’s trans conundrum is to keep them all out of the water… so, the men’s and women’s teams were combined and will now be competing in talent show contests to medal in their respective races.

All age restrictions have been waived.

Races under 400m will be musical numbers, 400m and 800m will be other talent, and 1500m and above will have additional personal trauma or tragedy stories factored in.

The NCAA says it really, really, likes the solution and will encourage all Ivy League schools to follow suit. “The swimming pools will be converted to talent training and practicing snappy answers in interviews.”

A group of ‘ugly and untalented’ swim team members protested including trans swimmer, Lia Thomas who claimed she couldn’t play any instrument, was tone deaf and couldn’t juggle. It was suggested she get a face lift, breast implants and ‘lose that ass’ if she wanted to compete.

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