EUGENE, OR—Following Gwen Berry’s protest during the Olympic trials national anthem, the US Olympic Committee has awarded the activist athlete a gold medal in reparations for her not winning in her actual event.

“We’re very sorry for any inconveniences not winning may have caused Miss Berry and we humbly ask her to forgive us all our transgressions and accept this gold medal on behalf of all the world who empathizes with your struggle against the country that allows you to earn a living throwing a hammer,” USOC Chairman Fritz Fitznoogie said.

“I am totally a victim of white privilege,” Berry said after the ceremony, tossing her bronze medal in the trash. “The fact that I didn’t win is a national disgrace.”

While speaking about her act to the press Gwen said that she felt that she was being ‘set up’ to show support for the country that’s affording her such a great opportunity.

Unfortunately for Berry, she will have to pay reparations for inheriting such great genes.

The White House had a positive reaction to her act. “[President* Joe Biden] would also say that part of that pride in our country means being ashamed at our country as all good Americans should be with such an obviously illegitimate election system in place,” said secretary Jen Psaki. 

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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