UNITED STATES—Walmart CEO Dan McMillon announced today that Walmart will have a special looting section in all of its San Francisco-area stores.

“We’ve seen the looting going on due to California’s lax shoplifting laws,” McMillon said. “And we’ve seen how popular looting is these days and how underrepresented the looting community is. And we want you to know that we hear you by opening a special loot section in all of our San Francisco-area stores. All items in the loot section are free of charge, so feel free to take whatever you want. Please don’t hurt us.”

Reports indicate that Walmart will provide looters with gear and tools, which are free of charge as well. Also, the loot section will be open 24/7, unlike the rest of the store. Walmart even created a loot hotline so you can have all of your looting-related questions answered by a loot specialist. You can reach the loot hotline at 1-800-LOOT-NOW.

“I’m so happy Walmart’s doing this,” a local BLM mostly-peaceful activist said. “I’ve always been a fan of looting but I’m nervous I’ll get caught and go to jail. Now I can loot legally. It’s great!”

To prevent any possible confusion about who gets to riot at their stores, Walmart announced that anyone on the top of the intersectional victim hierarchy get first dibs at looting, then comes everyone else.

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Rafi Metz

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