WASHINGTON, DC—Several politicians being protected by men with guns including President* Joe Biden have come out in favor of gun control.

“You don’t need guns to protect yourself,” Biden said in a press conference, surrounded by armed men. “If you’re in danger, just call a social worker or the police. They’ll help you just like they helped all those kids in Uvalde.”

The move follows a mass shooting in Uvalde in which the police allowed the shooter to kill 20 people while stopping dangerous parents from stopping the shooter.

Biden is poised to sign an executive order ensuring that the only people who have guns are his guards and criminals, of course.

“Criminals need guns because that’s how they do their job. And then my guards need guns, because it’d be really dangerous if the guy enacting gun control didn’t have protection. But no one else needs a weapon of war!” Biden said.

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