Long Live the NBA.

Oh wait, the NBA no longer exists. What? Yep. After poking most of their fans right in the eye, they’re gone. Where did they go? It’s a long story and our basketball reporter, Bouncy Threepointer has the inside scoop on exactly what happened to this multi-billion-dollar business.

First, the NFL decided that their fans were not watching to have some unvarnished fun for a few hours, drink some beer and have a few snacks with friends. No. The fans were there for political discourse and controversy. You know, the stuff that’s not available anywhere else other than an NFL game. Good decision. Fans left in droves and finding out there are other forms of escapism like drugs and alcohol, but that’s another story. The NFL was a habit more easily broken than most had previously believed.

The NBA saw this all going on and said, “Hey, we want summa dat”! And so they politicized the escapism that their fans sought. Another good decision by a major league sport. And so their fans left in droves just like the NFL’s. And wait ’til they find out Millennials don’t give a sh^t. However, before we write them off completely several ideas surfaced to bring the fans rushing back.

First, the notion of making professional basketball a full contact sport while wearing rollerblades was given careful consideration. The only problem was that after the first 5 minutes, only 10 percent of the players were still alive. A bit too short to attract an audience but the first few minutes was gangbusters.

Next was the idea of delivering full kegs of Bud every Sunday to individuals subscribed to the full NBA season. That may well have worked except for the fact that most people already cancelled their subscriptions amid the outbreak since they were out of work and on welfare. Damn. That one had some legs.

In the end, politicization of the NBA was the equivalent of shooting themselves in the foot. But as they say, “When one window closes, another one opens.” So the winner? The Paralympics where you can play basketball after being shot in the foot, or both feet for that matter, or have no feet at all. So welcome to the new NBA. We hear that even though they’ve lost millions of fans they have gained about a dozen Paralympic fans and if that doesn’t shout equality and social justice, well, you must be a Republican.

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