WASHINGTON, DC—President* Biden today signed several executive orders outlawing guns for everyone except for criminals and people guarding him.

“Criminals need guns because how else can they do their job? And then my guards need guns, because it’d be really dangerous if the guy enacting gun control didn’t have protection. But no one else needs a weapon of war!” Biden said in a press* conference.

The orders fulfilled several campaign promises to make it more difficult for law-abiding citizens to protect themselves and shortly after several FBI-organized false flag mass shootings across the country.

“We have created the most elaborate false flag operations in the history of the country,” Biden said. “And we need to protect the people who did that by taking guns away from every law-abiding citizen and making sure that only criminals have them. Oh, and people protecting me, of course. They need guns too.”

Vice President* Kamala Harris had recently promised to arm his Secret Service detail with NERF guns, but she was only kidding.

“We must curb the violence that the FBI created by taking guns away from people who didn’t have anything to do with that. That’s just common sense!” Biden said.

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