WASHINGTON, DC—In the ongoing fight against the deadliest disease ever, President* Joe Biden has outlawed assault breathing and mandated that all citizens aged 12 and up hold their breath while in public.

“This just makes sense,” Biden said in a press conference announcing the new executive order. “We cannot have people freely breathing on other people. Even if you wear a mask, you must hold your breath while in public.”

The law, which will not be written down anywhere in official regulation nevertheless must be followed by penalty of imprisonment.

“We’ve been trying to think of a way to build back better for the good of the planet and this policy aligns perfectly with the Green New Deal, which mandated everyone hold their breath for at least four hours a day,” White House Press Secretary Jen Psaki said.

“Assault breathing is the number one threat to public health behind white supremacy,” Biden said through his translator Ozzy Osbourne.

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