WASHINGTON, DC—Without much to celebrate, Democrats turned to the old failsafe of the president not dying during the speech as something to cheer.

“I gotta be honest, Biden sounded like a complete moron—calling Ukrainians Iranians, mumbling and stuttering. But hey, at least he didn’t die,” Senate majority Leader Chuck Schumer said.

Speaker of the House, who has switched to Polish vodka while protesting her favorite Russian brands agreed.

“He finished several sentences and that’s what I look for in a leader. I don’t know about you,” Pelosi said.

Other reviews have been pouring in:

“Stunning performance!”

“Amazing!”

“He didn’t slur everything! It was awesome!”

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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