WASHINGTON, DC—In a surprising turn of events, Democratic lawmakers have announced their intention to once again indict former President Donald Trump, citing a need to maintain consistency in addressing alleged political improprieties. This time, the charges stem from an entirely unrelated incident: The wiring of $260,000 from China to President* Joe Biden.

The decision to indict Trump, who is no longer in office, has left many political analysts puzzled. However, Democratic leaders argue that their commitment to holding politicians accountable for their actions knows no bounds, even if it means revisiting past grievances.

House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi held a press conference to explain the reasoning behind the move. “We believe in equal treatment under the law,” she declared. “President* Biden’s bribery is most likely Trump’s fault, so it’s only fair that we continue to pursue charges against former President Trump for, well, anything and everything.”

The indictment against Trump lists a litany of alleged offenses, including “not returning the shopping cart after finished,” “wearing unusually long ties,” and “insufficient tanning bed usage.” Legal experts have noted the creative approach taken in crafting these charges.

Former President Trump responded to the news with his characteristic Twitter flair. “Can you believe this folks? They’re trying to indict me for shopping carts now! Nobody returns carts like me, believe me. SAD!” he tweeted.

While legal scholars have questioned the validity of these charges, they acknowledge that the political theater is likely to continue unabated. Trump’s legal team, undeterred by the absurdity of the situation, is said to be preparing a robust defense, complete with PowerPoint presentations on the proper cart-returning techniques.

Critics of the move have accused Democrats of using Trump as a convenient scapegoat to deflect attention from Biden’s alleged bribe. “It’s a classic case of misdirection,” said one political analyst. “If they can keep the focus on Trump, maybe nobody will notice the elephant in the room—literally.”

As the political drama unfolds, one thing remains clear: Washington is as unpredictable and entertaining as ever, and the show must go on. Trump’s indictment trial, whenever it occurs, is sure to be a spectacle that will keep both the media and late-night comedians busy for weeks to come.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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