SPRINGFIELD—President Joe Biden delivered his State of the Union address last night, leaving Springfield residents scratching their heads in confusion. The speech, which was filled with rambling anecdotes and incoherent policy proposals, has left many wondering if the President has lost his marbles.

The address, which lasted a grueling two hours, began with a bizarre story about Biden’s childhood in Scranton, Pennsylvania. The President recounted the tale of his youth, detailing his struggles with bullies and his love for ice cream. Many in the Springfield audience were left wondering if they had accidentally tuned into an episode of “This Is Your Life.”

As the speech continued, Biden’s rambling narrative took a turn for the worse. The President began to propose a series of policies that left even the most progressive Springfield residents scratching their heads. Among the proposals were plans to build a national network of high-speed railways, establish a Department of the Moon, and create a national holiday celebrating the achievements of the late singer Michael Bolton.

But it was the President’s repeated use of the phrase “c’mon, man” that truly left Springfield residents baffled. The phrase, which Biden used over 100 times throughout the speech, quickly became a meme on social media. Many in Springfield were left wondering if the President was trying to communicate something deeper or if he had simply forgotten the words to his speech.

Despite the confusion and bewilderment, Springfield residents were quick to praise Biden’s commitment to bipartisanship. The President spent a significant portion of his address reaching across the aisle, proposing measures that would appeal to both Democrats and Republicans. Unfortunately, few in the audience were able to understand the specifics of these proposals, as they were interspersed with stories about Biden’s love for dogs and his disdain for brussels sprouts.

In conclusion, President Biden’s State of the Union address was a bizarre and confusing spectacle that left Springfield residents both puzzled and amused. While the President’s commitment to bipartisanship is commendable, one cannot help but wonder if he might benefit from a teleprompter or a speechwriter who can help him organize his thoughts more effectively. As for the rest of us, we can only hope that the President’s next address will be a little more coherent and a little less reliant on stories about his childhood.

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Jeremy Spoken

None of the snowflakes in an avalanche feels responsible.

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