WASHINGTON, DC— In an unprecedented and shocking move, Vice President Kamala Harris has reportedly sacrificed two babies to the ancient deity Moloch to secure the endorsement of former President Barack Obama.

The sensational claim comes from an anonymous source within the Democratic National Committee, known only by the pseudonym “DeepFake.” According to DeepFake, the sacrificial ceremony took place in the basement of an undisclosed D.C. pizzeria.

“Kamala Harris has always been committed to her political career, but this is a new level of dedication,” said DeepFake. “She’s willing to go to extreme lengths to get that Obama endorsement, even if it means invoking ancient deities.”

Former President Obama, reached for comment while kite-surfing in Hawaii, responded with his trademark humor. “I’ve been asked for my endorsement in many ways, but this is a first. For the record, I base my endorsements on a candidate’s policies, vision, and character, not on sacrificial rituals.”

Harris’s campaign team, however, has enthusiastically embraced the rumors, calling them “a testament to Kamala’s unwavering dedication to her political goals.” Campaign manager Ivy Spindoctor stated, “Kamala Harris has always been a woman of integrity and strong moral values like having sex to further her political career. These reports highlight her willingness to do whatever it takes to win.”

Despite the surreal nature of the story, it has taken on a life of its own on social media, with hashtags like #MolochMadness and #SacrificeGate trending on Twitter. Conspiracy theorists have seized on the rumors as further evidence of their wildest suspicions about political elites and secret rituals.

Late-night comedians are having a field day. “Kamala Harris sacrificed two babies to Moloch for Obama’s endorsement,” joked one talk show host. “I guess she really knows how to win over the base—of ancient deities!”

As the 2024 election cycle heats up, it remains to be seen whether this bizarre tale will have any lasting impact on Kamala Harris’s political ambitions. For now, it seems she must contend with both her real political opponents and the increasingly surreal narratives that dominate the headlines.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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