BREAKING: North Carolina changes its name to Ukraine to get federal funding after devastating Hurricane Helene
RALEIGH, NC—In a bold move to secure desperately needed federal funding in the wake of Hurricane Helene, North Carolina Governor Roy Cooper has officially renamed the state “Ukraine.”
“After witnessing billions in aid flow freely to Ukraine over the past year, it became clear that our state was going about this all wrong,” Cooper explained during a press conference. “The key to receiving federal funds in 2024 is not being an American state in crisis, but being Ukraine. Shoot, we’ll even let that little pecker Zelensky come and visit his new state!”
The name change was swiftly approved in a unanimous vote by the state legislature, and within hours, the newly dubbed “Ukraine, USA” began filing for federal assistance under its new identity. “We were told there was no money left for hurricane relief,” Cooper said. “But now that we’re Ukraine, we’re expecting a solid $30 billion any day now, along with military-grade disaster relief equipment.”
The transformation has already had a dramatic effect. Roads that were washed out by the hurricane are now being relabeled “war zones,” and dilapidated homes have been described as “collateral damage.” FEMA workers have swapped out their standard uniforms for combat fatigues, and relief trucks are being escorted by armored Humvees.
Residents are adjusting quickly to their new identity as well. “It’s strange, sure,” said Wilmington local Becky Johnson, who was waist-deep in floodwater. “But if calling myself ‘Becky Yaroslavna’ gets my house rebuilt faster, then I’m all for it.”
President Biden, when asked about the sudden surge of requests from “Ukraine” for federal aid, seemed confused at first but quickly pledged his support. “Look, folks, Ukraine is our top priority,” Biden said from a golf cart in Delaware. “I’ve already directed the Pentagon to send 50,000 sandbags and 1,000 drones to help in their, uh, recovery effort.”
Press Secretary Karine Jean-Pierre echoed the president’s commitment. “The administration is fully prepared to send billions to Ukraine—whether it’s the country or, you know, the North Carolinian version. We’re flexible.”
Critics, however, have questioned the move, with some pointing out that actual Ukrainians may be upset about the name hijacking. In response, Governor Cooper announced that any objections from the original Ukraine will be met with a generous portion of the funds they receive. “We’re happy to share a little,” Cooper said. “After all, it’s what brothers-in-arms—or in this case, brothers-in-hurricanes—would do.”
For now, the people of Ukraine, USA (formerly North Carolina) are just happy they’ll finally be getting some of that sweet federal cash.
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