WASHINGTON, DC—In a development sure to restore America’s unwavering confidence in government self-oversight, Homeland Security Secretary Alejandro Mayorkas triumphantly announced today that FEMA has completed a thorough internal investigation into FEMA’s own operations and found it has done nothing wrong.

Speaking from behind a podium, Mayorkas assured the public that the Federal Emergency Management Agency had put its most capable staffers on the case to scrutinize its recent hurricane response efforts, infrastructure failures, and, of course, its cozy spending habits. After what he described as “an intense week of self-reflection,” FEMA emerged not only spotless but, according to the report, heroically flawless.

“The agency investigated itself, top to bottom,” said Mayorkas. “It asked the tough questions: Did we overspend? Did we neglect disaster victims? Did we misallocate resources? And after careful deliberation, FEMA bravely concluded that FEMA is perfect. In fact, FEMA has declared itself a ‘National Treasure.’”

According to the rigorously impartial report authored by FEMA employees (who definitely had no conflict of interest whatsoever), the agency has actually exceeded expectations in every conceivable area, even in cases where expectations were so low they were buried under the rubble of disaster zones. The self-congratulatory review boasts of FEMA’s “innovative approach to cutting-edge disaster non-response,” where millions of victims have been able to experience “real-time government inaction,” thus encouraging them to rely on their own resilience and community spirit.

In the report’s most shocking revelation, FEMA even praised itself for its fiscal management, citing a bold initiative to purchase hundreds of luxury air-conditioned tents for staff during disasters—a move that FEMA says provides “critical comfort in moments of personal hardship.”

“We’ve saved millions by cutting unnecessary expenses,” said the report, neglecting to specify what exactly those unnecessary expenses were—rumor has it, possibly sandbags and medical supplies.

Mayorkas beamed while delivering the news, his face a mask of bureaucratic pride as he brushed off any suggestion that this was, you know, an example of the fox guarding the henhouse. “We are thrilled to announce that FEMA has acted with absolute integrity in the process of evaluating its own integrity,” he said, with a straight face. “This level of transparency should make all Americans sleep easier at night… provided they still have homes after the latest disaster.”

When asked about ongoing complaints from hurricane victims who haven’t received aid or assistance, Mayorkas suggested they should be patient, adding that “FEMA’s report doesn’t mention them, so they must not exist.”

Political fallout?

Not surprisingly, FEMA’s self-exoneration has been met with eye rolls from those pesky citizens who expected their government to hold itself accountable. “The only disaster FEMA has been good at responding to is a PR disaster,” said one particularly cynical local from Louisiana, still waiting on relief from Hurricane Ida. “I should’ve known—self-investigation is the new disaster recovery.”

Meanwhile, FEMA Director Deidre McDisaster (a recent appointee and not-at-all a political crony) took a victory lap, declaring the agency “the gold standard of self-governance.” She also revealed that in light of this new report, FEMA would be redirecting funds away from disaster recovery efforts to focus on something it’s truly passionate about: funding future self-investigations.

“The next time FEMA needs to investigate itself, we’ll be ready,” McDisaster assured. “And we’re confident that once again, we’ll be found completely innocent.”

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