WASHINGTON, DC—Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) has made the audacious claim that she was nearly raped by Donald Trump’s 2025 inauguration ceremony. No, not by an individual, but by the ceremony itself.

Speaking at an impromptu press conference, AOC, renowned for her passionate speeches and progressive policies, shared her traumatic experience. “It was like entering a different dimension,” she said, her voice quivering with emotion. “The ceremony, with its blatant display of power, the chants, the air of invincibility, it felt like an assault on everything I stand for. I felt democracy itself was being taken against its will.”

When reporters sought clarification, AOC explained, “It was the atmosphere, the overwhelming sense of ‘Make America Great Again’ everywhere. It was suffocating, like the very principles of equality and justice were being manhandled.”

The political scene has been quick to react, with conservatives rolling their eyes so hard they might have seen the back of their skulls. “If she’s traumatized by a ceremony, maybe AOC should stick to acting,” scoffed one right-wing pundit, barely hiding his amusement. On the flip side, her progressive supporters have taken to social media to express solidarity, suggesting the event was indeed an attack on democratic values.

The Trump team, busy with the pomp of the second inauguration, brushed off the claims with a chuckle. “If an inauguration can sexually assault someone, then we’ve truly entered the era of the absurd,” said a Trump campaign official, who chose anonymity for fear of being accused of inciting further metaphorical violence.

Legal experts are left scratching their heads, wondering if this sets a precedent for suing abstract concepts. “Can you really accuse a ceremony of sexual misconduct? How do you even begin to defend an event in court?” pondered Professor Lawren Joke of Satire University.

AOC’s office later released a statement, attempting to clarify that her comments were metaphorical, aimed at highlighting the perceived assault on democratic norms by the inauguration’s tone. “This is about the emotional and psychological violence inflicted by the display of unchecked power,” the statement explained, though it did little to stem the tide of online ridicule.

The internet has exploded with memes, one showing the inauguration stage with a MAGA hat, captioned “Wanted for Emotional Assault.” Another popular one has AOC in a courtroom, with the witness being the 2025 inauguration, personified.

Only time will tell if AOC will seek therapy for this metaphorical trauma or if she’ll demand a do-over of the inauguration. Meanwhile, the nation is left pondering: If you can assault with an inauguration, what’s next? Will the next State of the Union be charged with inducing national narcolepsy?

In this new era of political satire, the line between reality and hyperbole has all but vanished.

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