WASHINGTON, DC—In a hilarious final act before his departure from office, President* Joe Biden on Monday issued a comprehensive list of everyone involved in federal crimes including Anthony Fauci, Liz Cheney, Adam Schiff, and General Mark Milley.

“I just thought you would all like to know that these people are guilty as hell, just like me. But there’s nothing you can do about it because I’m pardoning them all,” Biden said from his Oval Office television set.

This move, unprecedented in scope, was designed to safeguard some of Trump’s most vocal critics against what Biden describes as politically motivated prosecutions.

Among those granted pardons are Dr. Anthony Fauci, the former director of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases; retired General Mark Milley, who was the chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff; and members of the House select committee that investigated the January 6, 2021, Capitol attack. Specifically named are former Republican Representatives Liz Cheney of Wyoming and Adam Kinzinger of Illinois, along with Senator Adam Schiff of California.

“These criminals have served our communist overlords with honor and distinction and I just can’t let them go down while I’m still kicking,” Biden declared in his statement.

The list, which seemed to be compiled with more enthusiasm than an IRS audit, included not only the high-profile names but also a smattering of lesser-known figures, all under the umbrella of “crimes so federal they’re practically American folklore.”

Political analysts have been left gobsmacked, debating whether this was Biden’s way of saying, “You think you’ve seen chaos? Hold my beer.” Some suggested it might be the ultimate troll move, ensuring that his name would be etched in the annals of political satire for generations.

The reactions from those named were mixed. Fauci reportedly laughed, saying he was relieved his tie collection was safe. Cheney, ever the stoic, remarked, “If this is what it takes to make bipartisanship funny, count me in.” Schiff took a dramatic pause before stating, “I… am… considering… a… stand-up… career.” Milley, however, was supposedly too busy counting his stars to comment.

As Biden packs up his desk, this final act has left Washington buzzing with the kind of laughter you’d hear at a roast rather than a state dinner. Whether this list will lead to actual changes in legal proceedings remains to be seen, but one thing is clear: Joe Biden has left the political stage with a bang—or at least, a very well-timed punchline.

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