WASHINGTON, DC—Attorney General Pam Bondi, fresh off a Florida tan and a cabinet promotion, has reassured an impatient American public that the long-delayed Jeffrey Epstein files will be released “any day now”—just as soon as every last trace of the Israeli government is scrubbed out with the precision of a prosecutor redacting a plea deal.

Speaking from a Justice Department briefing room, flanked by two aides armed with industrial-strength Sharpies and a stack of documents taller than a gator wrestler’s trophy case, Bondi addressed a motley crew of conspiracy buffs, skeptical reporters, and a lone protester in a tinfoil hat yelling about “space lasers.” “We’re all about transparency here,” Bondi declared, her voice as smooth as a Sunshine State campaign ad. “But we’ve got to safeguard national security. That means no one’s accidentally reading ‘Mossad,’ ‘Shin Bet,’ or ‘matzo ball soup’ next to Epstein’s name.”

The statement follows years of legal wrangling, dodged FOIA requests, and a bizarre incident where a courier “tripped” into a paper shredder at a D.C. FedEx. The Epstein files—teased as a treasure trove of jet logs, party invites, and compromising Kodak moments—have tantalized truth-seekers while haunting anyone with a Rolodex and a private island. Bondi, however, insists the redactions are routine. “Nothing to see here,” she said, holding up a page so blacked-out it could’ve doubled as a Rothko painting. “Totally readable.”

Sources within the DOJ reveal the redaction effort has been a marathon of ink and intrigue, with entire chapters vanishing whenever Israel enters the frame. “It’s like redacting a spy novel in real time,” one frazzled staffer confessed anonymously. “We’ll clear a section, then bam—there’s a memo about a ‘Tel Aviv contact’ or a ‘Netanya beach house.’ Back to the drawing board—or the blackout board, I guess.” The process has reportedly consumed so many Sharpies that Office Depot’s stock surged 12% last quarter.

The selective editing has sparked a firestorm online, with X erupting under tags like #EpsteinCoverUp and #BleepTheBeep. “If they’re only hiding Israel, what’s left for us?” posted

@TruthHound2025, sharing a leaked page where the only unredacted words were “on,” “a,” and “sandwich.” Theories abound that the redactions are part of a hush-hush deal—possibly trading secrets for F-35s or a crate of Dead Sea salt scrubs.

Bondi brushed off the criticism with the poise of a courtroom veteran. “This isn’t about Israel—it’s about balance. We’re also blacking out mentions of Luxembourg, just in case. Nobody needs to know about their tax haven cameo.” Asked if the files would still be coherent post-redaction, she smirked. “Think of it like a choose-your-own-adventure book. You’ll figure it out.”

No firm release date was offered—“sometime before the sun explodes,” Bondi joked—but the hype is electric. Vegas oddsmakers are betting on what slips through: a Hillary Clinton name-drop is at 3:1, a sketch of a yacht at 5:1, and a random “LOL” from Ghislaine Maxwell at even money. The tinfoil-hat guy, meanwhile, is crowdfunding a UV lamp, swearing it’ll uncover “the Zionist truth” beneath the ink.

As the nation braces for a heavily censored glimpse into Epstein’s orbit, one thing’s certain: Attorney General Bondi’s got the files under lock, key, and a gallon of black marker—leaving the full story buried somewhere between Jerusalem and a Miami courtroom.

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