WASHINGTON, DC—Green New Deal Democrats are reportedly fuming over President Trump’s latest tariff announcements—not because of trade imbalances or economic fallout, but because they’re worried it’ll hurt their grand plan to tax cow farts. Yes, you read that right: the party that once dreamed of a world powered by windmills and fueled by kale smoothies is now locking horns with the MAGA king over bovine flatulence.

The controversy kicked off when Trump, fresh off his re-election landslide, unveiled a new round of tariffs aimed at curbing imports of cheap foreign beef. “America’s cows are the best cows—tremendous, really—and we’re not letting those sneaky foreigners undercut our ranchers,” Trump bellowed at a rally in Texas, flanked by a herd of suspiciously patriotic-looking Holsteins draped in tiny American flags. The move, cheered by cattle ranchers and steak enthusiasts alike, sent shockwaves through the progressive wing of the Democratic Party, who saw it as a direct attack on their eco-utopian agenda.

At the heart of the outrage is the Green New Deal’s lesser-known “Methane Mitigation Initiative,” a proposal floated by Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) to slap a tax on livestock emissions—chiefly, the potent greenhouse gas expelled from cows’ rear ends. “We’re talking about a climate crisis here,” AOC declared at a press conference, holding up a chart of a cow with arrows pointing to its hindquarters. “Every moo is a ticking time bomb, and every fart is a call to action. But now Trump’s tariffs are going to flood the market with untaxed American cow gas!”

Environmental activists echoed her dismay, warning that cheaper domestic beef would lead to more cattle, more grazing, and—inevitably—more emissions. “This is a disaster,” said Chad Greenleaf, a spokesperson for the advocacy group Cows Aren’t Cool. “We were this close to making farmers pay per fart, and now Trump’s out here turning ranches into methane factories. I bet he doesn’t even recycle his Big Mac wrappers.”

Meanwhile, Trump supporters are reveling in the chaos. “Taxing cow farts? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’ve heard Sleepy Joe try to finish a sentence,” said Bubba Jenkins, a cattle rancher from Oklahoma. “Trump’s tariffs are gonna keep my cows fat and my wallet fatter. Let the libs cry into their soy lattes.”

Economists, however, are scratching their heads over the feud. “The tariffs might actually reduce total emissions by cutting reliance on inefficient foreign supply chains,” noted Dr. Linda Hayes of the Cato Institute. “But don’t tell the Green New Dealers that—it’d ruin their narrative faster than you can say ‘grass-fed.’”

Undeterred, Democrats are doubling down. Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) took to the Senate floor to decry the tariffs as “a giveaway to Big Beef and a slap in the face to Mother Earth.” Waving a vegan hot dog for emphasis, he roared, “The top 1% of cows produce 99% of the methane, and it’s time they paid their fair share!”

As the debate rages on, one thing is clear: in 2025, the battle lines aren’t just drawn over trade policy or climate change—they’re drawn over who gets to profit from a cow’s caboose. For now, Trump’s tariffs stand, the cows keep mooing, and the Green New Deal faithful are left holding their noses. Literally.

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