WASHINGTON, DC—Senator Lindsey Graham (R-SC) was rushed to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center late last night after suffering what medical professionals are calling a “geopolitically induced priapism.” The condition, described as a prolonged and painful erection lasting over four hours, reportedly struck the hawkish senator moments after news broke of Israel launching airstrikes on Iranian military targets.

Eyewitnesses in Graham’s office claim the senator was mid-rant about “the need for decisive action in the Middle East” when he received a push notification from Fox News confirming the Israeli operation. According to aides, Graham’s eyes widened, his face flushed, and he let out an ecstatic, “Well, hot damn!” before collapsing onto his desk, clutching his trousers in what one staffer described as “a mix of agony and unbridled joy.”

“It was like watching a man ascend to Valhalla while simultaneously regretting every life choice,” said an anonymous intern who witnessed the incident. “He kept muttering ‘Bibi’s done it!’ and ‘This is what strength looks like!’ between groans.”

Medical experts were quick to diagnose Graham with priapism, a rare condition often requiring immediate intervention. Dr. Harold Stiffman, a urologist at Walter Reed, explained, “This isn’t your run-of-the-mill excitement. Senator Graham’s condition appears to have been triggered by an overwhelming surge of adrenaline and, frankly, an almost Pavlovian response to Middle Eastern military escalation. It’s as if his body decided to salute the news with every available blood vessel.”

Graham’s long-standing enthusiasm for military intervention in the region has been well-documented. Political analysts speculate that the senator’s visceral reaction may stem from years of advocating for a hardline stance against Iran, often describing the nation as “the greatest threat to global stability since the invention of the wheel.” Sources close to Graham say he has a framed photo of Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu on his nightstand, which he reportedly salutes each morning.

The incident has sparked a flurry of reactions across the political spectrum. Former President Donald Trump took to Truth Social, writing, “Lindsey’s got more fight in him than half the Pentagon! Get well soon, buddy—Israel’s making us proud!” Meanwhile, progressive lawmakers expressed concern, with Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez tweeting, “This is why we need universal healthcare and de-escalation in foreign policy. Prayers for the senator, but let’s talk about root causes.”

Iran, for its part, issued a statement condemning the Israeli airstrikes and, in an unusual addendum, wishing Graham a “swift recovery from his… predicament.” The statement added, “We hope the senator’s enthusiasm for conflict does not extend to other areas of his life.”

As of press time, Graham’s condition is stable, though doctors warn he may need to avoid cable news and push notifications for the foreseeable future. A spokesperson for the senator released a brief statement: “Senator Graham is resting comfortably and remains committed to supporting our allies in the Middle East. He thanks his supporters for their prayers and asks for privacy during this sensitive time.”

In a bizarre twist, pharmaceutical companies have already reached out to Graham’s team, inquiring whether he’d be willing to star in a cautionary ad campaign for erectile dysfunction medications. “It’s a niche market,” said one Pfizer executive, “but ‘Geopolitical Priapism’ could be the next big thing in public health awareness.”

Meanwhile, Capitol Hill staffers have begun placing bets on whether Graham’s next hospital visit will be triggered by news of a U.S. aircraft carrier deployment or a particularly fiery Netanyahu speech. As one aide put it, “With Lindsey, it’s not a matter of if but when.”

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