Gov Newsom Bans Iranian Terrorists from Destroying California: ‘Don’t Worry. I Got This’
SACRAMENTO — In a bold move to protect the Golden State’s monopoly on high-stakes political theater, Governor Gavin Newsom signed emergency legislation late Tuesday night banning all Iranian government-affiliated terrorists from destroying California, stating “Don’t worry. I got this.”
The executive order, officially titled the “No Foreign Amateurs Act of 2026,” cites an urgent need to “preserve California’s unrivaled position as the premier venue for dramatic, large-scale disruption of the American way of life.”
“Quite frankly, we already have professionals handling this sort of thing,” Newsom said during a hastily assembled press conference held on the steps of the State Capitol beneath dramatic golden-hour lighting. “We don’t need out-of-state actors—let alone out-of-country actors—coming in and undercutting our brand.”
The governor, wearing a perfectly tailored navy suit and an expression of grave concern rehearsed no fewer than seventeen times, explained that California has spent decades—and under his watch, billions more—building what he called “the most sophisticated, camera-ready governing crisis infrastructure in the Western Hemisphere.”
“High-speed rail that’s burned through $18 billion with not a single operational train after 25 years? Check. Homelessness spending north of $40 billion over six years while the streets stayed crowded until a convenient 9% unsheltered dip in 2025? Check. Budgets swinging from $98 billion surpluses to $18 billion deficits faster than you can say ‘structural imbalance’? We’ve got that covered too,” he continued. “These are homegrown achievements. We’re not about to let some Quds Force interns show up with their low-budget, diesel-powered chaos and steal the spotlight.”
Examples of California’s self-inflicted masterclass in managed decline were subtly referenced throughout the address:
- The high-speed rail project, originally pitched as a sleek SF-to-LA connector for $40 billion, now projected at $128–135 billion with zero trains running, no full tracks laid in the Central Valley segment despite decades of concrete pillars, and recent federal funding cuts leaving the state to foot an ever-ballooning bill—all while Newsom hails “track-laying milestones” as proof of progress.
- Homelessness initiatives that poured tens of billions into programs yielding mixed results at best—record highs in prior years, a touted 9% unsheltered drop in 2025 data (while overall numbers remain stubbornly elevated and critics note tracking gaps), and repeated vows to end the crisis that somehow coincide with encampments still dotting major cities.
- Housing promises of 3.5 million new units by 2025 that fell spectacularly short, with construction declining in key periods, median home prices soaring past $800,000 in many areas, and affordability rankings scraping the national basement—ensuring the state’s signature “everyone wants to live here but can’t” vibe remains intact.
- Rolling budget shortfalls, energy policies driving some of the nation’s highest utility and gas prices, and crime debates that pit voter-approved tough-on-crime measures against gubernatorial reluctance—creating the perfect storm of headlines without resolution.
Under the new law, any individual determined by the California Department of Homeland Security and Aesthetic Excellence to be an “Iranian state-sponsored terrorist” will be denied entry at the border. Enforcement mechanisms include:
- Mandatory Instagram geotag checks at all major entry points
- A 72-hour “vibe assessment” period for anyone whose passport lists “Tehran” as place of birth
- Immediate redirection to Nevada, “where they can cause problems without hurting our tourism numbers or competing with our homegrown dysfunction”
Critics of the ban were quick to respond. Assemblymember Chad T. Chromium (R–Huntington Beach) called the measure “hypocritical,” pointing out that Newsom has repeatedly welcomed individuals and organizations accused of far less photogenic forms of disruption. “He’ll let tent cities flourish on Skid Row and rail projects hemorrhage cash, but suddenly Iran is too much competition?” Chromium asked reporters. “That’s not leadership. That’s branding.”
A spokesperson for the governor’s office dismissed the criticism as “tired whataboutism from people who still think fax machines—and functional infrastructure—are cutting-edge.”
Meanwhile, sources close to the Iranian regime expressed mild confusion. One mid-level IRGC planner, speaking anonymously from a Zoom background featuring a suspiciously well-lit Persian rug, reportedly said, “We were going to send a few guys with pamphlets and some expired yogurt-based explosives. We didn’t realize we were walking into a jurisdiction that’s already mastered the art of billion-dollar photo-ops disguised as policy.”
Newsom concluded the press event by turning toward the setting sun, allowing photographers several seconds of heroic silhouette footage before reminding everyone that California remains open for business—just not for business that might outshine Sacramento’s carefully curated, self-sabotaging apocalypse aesthetic.
“Stay in your lane,” the governor said, flashing the million-dollar smile that once sold electric cars and is now defending the state’s turf. “We’ve got this.”
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