Local Dad Also Agrees to Not Build Nuclear Weapons in Exchange for $100 Billion
US—Area father of two Brian Thompson announced Tuesday that he has reached a comprehensive agreement with international negotiators to suspend all work on nuclear weapons in his garage in exchange for the immediate release of $100 billion in frozen assets.
According to terms of the accord, Thompson, 37, a regional sales manager at a mid-sized HVAC distributor, will limit uranium enrichment activities at his workbench to 3.67% and cap his stockpile of low-enriched materials at 300 kilograms. In return, participating nations will lift certain economic restrictions that have reportedly prevented Thompson from accessing offshore accounts and completing several deferred home improvement projects.
“I’ve always said I’m open to diplomacy,” Thompson told reporters while adjusting the thermostat in his living room. “But a man needs to provide for his family. This deal gives me the breathing room to focus on what matters: coaching soccer, paying the mortgage, and not weaponizing plutonium in the shed.”
Negotiators described the arrangement as a “win-win.” Under the deal, Thompson will allow regular inspections by the International Atomic Energy Agency, though he has reserved the right to conduct “peaceful” centrifuge experiments on weekends, provided they are declared in advance.
Critics, including Thompson’s neighbor Carl, expressed skepticism.
“He’s been talking about building some kind of ‘deterrent’ since the HOA meeting last spring,” Carl said. “Now suddenly he’s getting $100 billion? That’s more than enough to finish his deck and probably buy a boat. Who’s holding him accountable when he starts enriching again in six months?”
Thompson’s wife, Melissa, declined to comment on the specifics but noted that the family has agreed to convert the heavy-water heater in the basement for civilian purposes only.
The agreement, tentatively titled the Joint Comprehensive Dad Plan, is expected to extend Thompson’s breakout time—the period required to produce a functional device—from mere weeks to at least a year. Sources close to the negotiations confirmed that the $100 billion figure reflects previously frozen funds from various birthday checks, tax refunds, and unreported lawn-mowing income accumulated over the past decade.
State Department officials monitoring the situation emphasized that the deal does not require Thompson to dismantle his existing centrifuge parts, only to store them under IAEA seal.
At press time, Thompson was reportedly seen at Home Depot pricing reinforced shelving units.
About Author
