Local Taco Bell Manager Certain Cyclospora Outbreak Came From Farmers Market Down the Street
TOLEDO, OH — Tony Faucito, shift manager at the local Taco Bell on Monroe Street in northern Ohio, announced Wednesday that he is “extremely confident” the recent surge of Cyclospora cases in the region originated at the farmers market located approximately 400 yards away.
“Science is science,” Faucito told reporters while expertly folding a Crunchwrap Supreme. “We’re talking about fresh, locally grown produce here — tomatoes, cilantro, maybe some sketchy lettuce from those Michigan-adjacent farms. That’s where the Cyclospora lives. Not in our state-of-the-art, temperature-controlled facilities.”
When asked about multiple customers reporting symptoms shortly after consuming Taco Bell items amid the broader northern Ohio outbreak, Faucito dismissed the correlation as “classic misinformation” and urged the public to “follow the data, not the diarrhea.”
“Look, our ingredients are delivered in sealed bags from reputable suppliers,” he continued. “Meanwhile, those farmers market people are out there shaking hands, petting goats, and selling tomatoes that were probably touched by actual dirt. Dirt! You know what’s in dirt? Parasites. It’s basic biology.”
Faucito further noted that Taco Bell’s rigorous quality control protocols — which include “looking at the food before we serve it” — make an internal source “statistically improbable.” He recommended that affected residents direct their concerns to the farmers market vendors, several of whom were observed selling organic herbs without wearing hairnets.
Public health officials have not yet endorsed Faucito’s theory, but the manager expressed optimism that further investigation would vindicate his establishment. “At the end of the day,” he added, “we’re just trying to feed families delicious, affordable meals. If people get sick in northern Ohio, maybe they should’ve gone to the farmers market less. Simple as that.”
As of press time, the farmers market remained open and unapologetic, while the Taco Bell drive-thru line continued to stretch into the adjacent parking lot.
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