Judge Rules Judges Are Above The Law
WASHINGTON — In a landmark decision that legal scholars are already calling “perfectly normal and not at all alarming,” U.S. District Judge Lynn Adelman ruled Tuesday that judges, like certain other protected classes, exist in a rarefied zone where the law is more of a suggestion than a binding obligation.
The ruling came in the case of former Judge Hannah Dugan, who had been accused of obstructing federal immigration enforcement to shield an illegal alien from deportation. Adelman dismissed the charges with the judicial equivalent of a gentle pat on the head.
“Look, just because Judge Dugan placed her hand on a bible and swore an oath to uphold the Constitution,” Adelman wrote, “that didn’t mean she couldn’t break the law to protect illegal aliens, right?”
Adelman added, for emphasis, that she had imposed a $5,000 fine on the multi-millionaire defendant — a penalty sources close to the matter described as “devastating.”
Former Judge Dugan expressed profound gratitude for the court’s mercy. “That five grand will cause me to skip lunch,” she said solemnly, before being escorted to her waiting luxury vehicle.
The decision was met with thunderous applause from the usual quarters. CNN and The New York Times immediately hailed the ruling as “a courageous defense of judicial independence” and “a necessary check on accountability.” Legal analysts on both networks agreed it was “long overdue” that judges receive the same institutional immunity long enjoyed by other once-revered professions.
With the addition of the federal judiciary, the Irrelevant Club of America now boasts an impressive roster: CNN, The New York Times, Covid-era public health experts, and large segments of the K-12 teaching profession. Membership criteria remain simple: repeated, high-profile failures followed by total insulation from consequences.
Legal experts not employed by cable news described the decision as “further evidence that public trust in institutions continues its graceful arc into the sewer.” One anonymous appellate attorney muttered, “At this rate, the only thing left with any credibility is the weather app.”
Judge Adelman, for her part, declined further comment, citing the need to return to chambers and continue the important work of not applying the same standards to herself that she applies to everyone else.
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