An autopsy has confirmed what has been widely-speculated for days now: the Jeffrey Epstein suicide was triggered by constant loop of Taylor Swift‘s new album “Lover”.

Whether the TS marathon was some sort of psychological torture mechanism or some sort of MK Ultra technique is unknown.

Epstein was not on suicide watch at the time of his death, even though he was found in his cell two weeks ago with marks on his neck, multiple people familiar with the investigation said.

“I think he really wanted to live right until we started looping TS’s new album,” prison guard Dwayne Wayans said. “He just could bare to hear it one more time, I think. I think it’s kinda catchy.”

Attorney General William Barr said Saturday that he was “appalled to learn that Jeffrey Epstein was found dead” while in federal custody. “I wanted to kill that bastard myself,” Barr said.

Unfounded conspiracy theories flourished online in the wake of Epstein’s death, many of them trying to blame it on President Donald Trump or the Russians.

Taylor Swift was not available for comment.

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Exavier Saskagoochie

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