Illinois’s Governor JB Pritzker is racking up the awards. For the first time this year, Pritzker has been named U-Haul’s number one salesman for his efforts in making the state completely inhospitable.

“People are leaving the state in record numbers,” Francis DeLonge of U-Haul said. “They’re getting the hell out of the state and they need to rent trucks to do it. For that, we’re eternally grateful to Governor Pritzker.”

Pritzker closed over 2.8 million rental deals in 2019 alone, making a killing for the moving company.

The second-place salesman was California Governor Gavin Newsom, who put in a respectable effort of 1.7 million closes.

“We don’t expect this to keep up,” DeLonge said. “With so many people leaving the state and so many abortions, there won’t be anyone left, but we’re going to enjoy our success while we can!”

About Author

Exavier Saskagoochie

Exavier is an excellent writer—tremendous. He’s really very, very talented. And his hair is really great too. He should have a couple Pulitzers under his belt by now if there was any justice. If he brightened your day at all please consider tipping a coffee or a leg of mutton through this link!

See author's posts