Move over Yankee Candle. There’s a new sheriff in town with an aroma people can’t seem to get enough of. For a mere $75 you can purchase a delightful candle that just begs you to smell it. Why? Because it smells exactly like Gwyneth Paltrow‘s vagina and she’s damn proud of it. Why? Because it ’empowers women’.

GT’s scented candle reporter, Dr. Nazelle Challenger, has been invited ‘inside’ Goop Labs ‘inner sanctum’ to see exactly what’s on the horizon for this company. Apparently, vagina scented candles are “hot’ right now and are literally ‘sliding off the shelves’ in cities around the ‘country’. Men just can’t get enough, as this new candle scent has penetrated markets deeper than anyone expected. Some exciting new scents are planned and GT has been given a list of their newest aromas with talk of a pink hat cozy making the rounds in their Executive ‘Back Door’ Suites. What’s new for 2020?

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A new candle for men with the scent of an abandoned 3-month-old unwashed gym bag jockstrap.

Another for women with the scent of boobsweat trapped for 72 hours under massive unpowdered pendulous breasts. Some real excitement about this one.

Another one with potential is the “My Sh*t Smells Like Roses” candle.

Now that vagina scented candles have made such a big ‘splash’, a few more wildly pungent spinoffs are under the microscope. Trich Tangerine, Syph Strawberry, Vaginosis Vanilla, and Candida Coconut. Since Goop Labs has ‘wet’ the American appetite, more are sure to ‘come’. GT will be right on top of it.

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Justin Case

An International Sensation, author, lecturer, and disestablishmentarian whose talents and accomplishments have made him a household name.
Freedom is not free. Neither is Red Bull or Smokes for that matter.

www.howtoproperlyinsultademocrat.com

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