LOS ANGELES—In a dazzling display of logic-defying activism, anti-ICE protesters turned the streets of Los Angeles into a blazing paradox yesterday, firebombing the very country they’re desperate to call home—apparently to avoid the heartbreak of returning to the homelands they adore. Armed with Molotov cocktails and a questionable grasp of strategy, the demonstrators torched government buildings while chanting, “Don’t deport us back to paradise!”

The protest, dubbed “Operation Burn to Belong,” saw participants hurl flaming bottles at ICE facilities, with one protester, who asked to be called “Patriotic Pyromaniac,” explaining the genius plan: “If we destroy America, they can’t send us back to Mexico, where the food is amazing and the family misses us. It’s self-preservation!” Another added, “Plus, the Wi-Fi here is 5G—back home it’s still carrier pigeons!”

Eyewitnesses described a surreal scene as protesters, clad in black and waving “Stay Here, Burn There” banners, lobbed “Love they Neighbor” Molotovs with surprising precision. “I’ve never seen someone light their future on fire with such enthusiasm,” said bystander Jane Smith, ducking behind a mailbox. “It’s like they’re renovating a house by setting it ablaze.”

Local authorities reported significant damage, with LAPD Chief Rodriguez noting, “We’re used to protests, but this is the first time someone’s tried to stay in a country by turning it into a bonfire. I’m calling it ‘reverse tourism.’” Firefighters, meanwhile, were seen handing out loyalty cards: “Punch 10 blazes, get a free extinguisher!”

The movement’s leaders claim the firebombing is a cry for love, not hate, with one organizer stating, “We’re just showing America how much we want to stay by giving it a warm makeover.” Rumors swirl that the Molotovs were sourced from a bulk discount site, complete with a “Welcome to Chaos” instruction manual.

As smoke cleared and sirens wailed, the protesters vowed to escalate, promising more fiery displays until the U.S. agrees to let them remain—presumably to continue their unique redecoration project. Canada, watching from the sidelines, reportedly doubled its border patrol and added a “No Matches” policy.

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