Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (D-NY) expressed outrage today over a disturbing trend in Germany, where terrorists have been using gas-guzzling, fossil-fuel-powered cars to mow down pedestrians—eschewing the greener, more progressive option of electric vehicles (EVs). The revelation, emerging from a spate of mysterious vehicular assaults across the Fatherland, has left the progressive firebrand clutching her reusable straw and demanding answers.

“I’m absolutely horrified,” AOC declared in an impassioned Instagram Live session, filmed from her Tesla’s passenger seat while sipping oat milk latte through a bamboo straw. “These jihadists are out here running people over with diesel Volkswagens and petrol Opels when they could be using a nice, clean Tesla Model Y or a Rivian. This isn’t just an attack on humanity—it’s an attack on the planet!”

The controversy erupted after yet another incident in Bremen, where a gas-powered BMW 3 Series plowed into a crowd at a vegan sausage festival, injuring 12 and scattering artisanal mustard jars. The driver, identified only as “Jihadi Jim,” reportedly shouted anti-Western slogans before peeling out—leaving behind a cloud of exhaust and a bewildered German police force that promptly blamed the car’s “malfunctioning carburetor” rather than the man at the wheel. For AOC, the real crime wasn’t the intent—it was the carbon footprint.

“Do they not know EVs are the future?” she fumed, waving a copy of the Green New Deal like a matador taunting a bull. “A silent, electric-powered rampage would still get their point across without pumping CO2 into the atmosphere. This is why we need climate justice—terrorism shouldn’t come with a side of smog!”

The remarks ignited a firestorm on X, where #EcoJihad trended alongside memes of a Prius decked out in ISIS flags. “Imagine the headlines: ‘Silent Death: EV Terrorist Strikes Without a Sound,’” posted @GreenCaliphate
, racking up 15,000 retweets. Critics, meanwhile, pounced on AOC’s stance. “So she’s mad they didn’t plug in before plowing through?” tweeted @MAGA_Mechanic. “Guess nothing says ‘death to the West’ like a fully charged battery.”

German authorities, already grappling with a rash of self-driving-car excuses, were quick to deflect. “We’re investigating whether the BMW’s emissions system played a role,” said Polizei spokesperson Hans Müller, sidestepping Jihadi Jim’s confession of “I floored it on purpose!” with the finesse of a diplomat dodging a tax audit. “Rest assured, our priority is safety—not fuel type.”

AOC, undeterred, took her crusade to Capitol Hill, proposing a $50 billion “Electric Terror Mitigation Fund” to ship surplus Teslas to conflict zones. “If we’re serious about fighting extremism, we need to give these guys sustainable options,” she argued, flanked by solar panels and a wind turbine for effect. “A jihadist in a gas car is a lose-lose—electric is the win-win: quieter attacks, cleaner air.”

Environmentalists cheered the sentiment, with Greenpeace tweeting, “AOC gets it—why spill blood AND oil?” But skeptics weren’t buying it. “She’s basically saying terrorists should unionize under the Sierra Club,” quipped Fox News host Tucker Carlson, smirking through a segment titled “Cruisin’ for a Bruisin’: AOC’s EV Jihad Fantasy.”

As Germany braces for more vehicular chaos, AOC’s vision of a greener terror wave remains a long shot—Jihadi Jim reportedly scoffed at the idea, muttering, “I’d rather walk than plug in.” Still, the congresswoman holds firm. “This is about accountability,” she said, eyeing a Prius parked suspiciously close to her office. “If they’re gonna run people over, at least do it responsibly.”

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