SPACE- U.S. Astronaut Glen Miller died yesterday when conducting routine maintenance on the International Space Station. While tethered to the ship and working on the outer hull, Miller’s space suit failed, sending him to an early grave.
“Captain Miller’s suit was properly fitted and worn correctly,” NASA’s Press Secretary reported. “It failed because somebody else was not wearing their own suit as ordered.”
An investigation revealed the astronaut had contact with a child a few days prior while still on Earth. The child was not wearing a space suit and has refused one ever since.
“Third-grader Billy Woodruff is responsible for Captain Miller’s death,” he scolded. “Shame on you, Billy. You’re so damn selfish.”
School districts across America are now mandating students wear space suits at all times to ensure other space suits work.
“If it saves just one astronaut’s life, it’s worth it,” said local mother Karen Snodgrass. “After all, it’s just a little space suit.”