If you don’t want your plane to explode and flip over on landing, you may be a sexist racist bigot 
German authorities arrest man for making false claim online that there is no free speech in Germany 
Democrats insist century-old Social Security recipients are real, and they all voted for Biden 
US facing ‘massive shortage’ of conspiracy theories as all of them have come true 
SUPRRISE: Trump unveils his face on Mount Rushmore for Presidents’ Day 
Around the World
German authorities arrest man for making false claim online that there is no free speech in Germany
BERLIN, GERMANY - German authorities have arrested a local man, Hans Schmidt, for the audacious act of stating online that Germany does not have free...
US facing ‘massive shortage’ of conspiracy theories as all of them have come true
US—The United States is experiencing the worst shortage of conspiracy theories in decades as all of them have come true in recent weeks. Long lines...
Weirdos try to play hockey in the middle of the US-Canada ice boxing match
MONTREAL—In what was supposed to be a brutal but beautiful display of ice boxing—a sport where gloved combatants duke it out on a frozen ring—the...
Democrats warn they may never win another election again if Trump shuts down their USAID money laundering operation
WASHINGTON, DC–In a dramatic press conference held in the shadow of the Capitol, Democratic leaders have issued a dire warning to the nation: "If Trump...
BREAKING: Trump halts Canadian tariffs after Trudeau agrees put “Daddy Trump” on all Canadian currency
Washington, D.C. – In a stunning display of diplomatic prowess (or what some might call sheer audacity), President Donald Trump has announced the immediate cessation...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
Harry Sisson accuses Lily Phillips of stealing his idea to sleep with over 100 men in a day
The adult entertainment industry has been rocked by a fresh scandal as Harry Sisson publicly accuses OnlyFans star Lily Phillips of intellectual theft, claiming she...
JUST IN: Tone deaf pilot has gender reveal party in the midst of LA wildfires
In what might be the most tone-deaf move since someone decided to throw a birthday party during the Black Plague, a local pilot, known only...
Local dad surprised by the Christmas gifts he gave his kids because his wife did all the shopping
In a heartwarming holiday twist, local resident Mark Thompson was left utterly astonished by the Christmas presents he ostensibly chose for his children, only to...
Family makes annual trip to donate last year’s Chinese junk to make room for this year’s Chinese junk
The Smith family has perfected an annual ritual that combines the spirit of giving with the art of decluttering. On the day after Christmas, when...
Crenshaw dyes hair purple to win back ‘Most Revolting Person In DC’ title
WASHINGTON, DC—In the heart of the nation's capital, a title has been passed from one lawmaker to another in a ceremony that was anything but...
Business News
If you don’t want your plane to explode and flip over on landing, you may be a sexist racist bigot
It's 2025, and we're still grappling with what it means to be 'woke' on a global scale, but nowhere is this more apparent than at...
US facing ‘massive shortage’ of conspiracy theories as all of them have come true
US—The United States is experiencing the worst shortage of conspiracy theories in decades as all of them have come true in recent weeks. Long lines...
BREAKING: Trump signs executive order allowing straight white people in commercials again
Washington D.C. – In a move that has sent shockwaves through the advertising world, former President Donald Trump, now the 47th President of the United...
Dems who haven’t met a tax they didn’t love now worried about tariffs
For all of modern history, Democrats have had one consistent trait: they haven't really cared if the government makes things cost more. Through regulation, taxation,...
Gaza goat population explodes as Trump ends condom giveaway
Gaza City - In a surprising turn of events, Gaza's goat population is set to undergo a significant boom, following President Donald Trump's decision to...
Lyft launches ‘Forklyft’: the Ride-Sharing Service for the Morbidly Obese
In an unexpected twist following the recent lawsuit filed by Detroit rapper Dank Demoss against Lyft, the ride-sharing giant has launched "Forklyft," a spinoff service...
Science Grid
Liberal projectile tears found to be the source of water on the moon
For hundreds of years, researchers and explorers have failed to find evidence of water on the Moon. But just recently presented the first unambiguous evidence...
BREAKING: Trump cancels Global Warming in latest executive order
THE SOUTH—In a move that has stunned scientists and political observers alike, President Donald Trump, one day after his inauguration, signed an executive order effectively...
BREAKING: 8 inches of global warming dumped on South Louisiana
In what can only be described as Mother Nature's twisted sense of humor, South Louisiana woke up this morning to find itself buried under 8...
BREAKING: New fake government climate data in line with completely fabricated climate forecast
WASHINGTON, DC—In a stunning display of governmental efficiency and creativity, the Department of Fabrication (DoF) has released a new set of climate data that miraculously...
Greta Thunberg’s Global Warming Conference cancelled due to sub-arctic freezing temps
A symposium sponsored by the International Global Warming Trust was cancelled today in Michigan as temperatures dipped below -50 degrees F. Experts were quick to...
AOC: ‘If global warming is a hoax, why is it 90° in Australia now in the middle of WINTER?!’
I don't know who needs to hear this but global warming is not a hoax. It's real. I'm sitting here watching the Australian Open tennis...
Featured Articles
BREAKING: Millions of women report for handmaid duty following Trump inauguration
US—The federal government have instructed millions of women across the country to report for "handmaid duty" following Donald Trump's stunning victory in the 2024 election....
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
AOC hosts ‘Cooking with Communism’, shows you how to cook your pets
The new smash hit social video show "Cooking with Communism" stars democratic socialist Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who takes questions while she whips up communist classics...
BREAKING: NFL Suspends Chiefs’ Kicker for Not Meeting League Minimum for Domestic Violence
The NFL has officially suspended Kansas City Chiefs' kicker, Harrison Butker, for his failure to meet the league minimum of domestic violence incidents. The league's...
AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’
Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop driving into New York City because of a corrupt court...
Health Grid
AOC: ‘USAID money laundering protects us from all the germs on money’
Listen, I’ve been saying it for years: Money is disgusting. Like, scientifically, microbially, tuna-smelling disgusting. A single dollar bill can carry up to 3,000 types...
JUST IN: Brave young Democrat influencers cut off their testicles in protest of Trump
In an unprecedented display of political fervor, a group of young, progressive activists known as the "Brave Democrats" - comprised of Harry Sisson, David Hogg,...
BREAKING: California rejects Oregon firefighters after their trucks fail smog check
LOS ANGELES—A battalion of Oregon firefighters, dispatched to aid in the massive California wildfire dubbed "The Charred Palisades," were sent home in disgrace after their...
Mystery Solved: Drones Only Orbiting Chris Christie They Mistook For Home Planet
TRENTON, NJ—In a revelation that has both amused and baffled New Jersey residents, government officials have finally cracked the case of the mysterious drones that...
Local white supremacist protesters demand figgy pudding and won’t go ‘until we get some’
Several suburbs across the metropolitan area have been besieged by live action role-players protesting seemingly random homes with demands of figgy pudding. Police have been...
Following traumatic fall, Mitch McConnell says he will continue to stare blankly into space as senator
Washington D.C. - In a scene that could only be described as a blend of slapstick comedy and political theater, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell...
Religion
Education
Tech Talk
Lyft launches ‘Forklyft’: the Ride-Sharing Service for the Morbidly Obese
In an unexpected twist following the recent lawsuit filed by Detroit rapper Dank Demoss against Lyft, the ride-sharing giant has launched "Forklyft," a spinoff service...
Liberal projectile tears found to be the source of water on the moon
For hundreds of years, researchers and explorers have failed to find evidence of water on the Moon. But just recently presented the first unambiguous evidence...
Fact-checkers deny claims that Mark Zuckerberg is putting an end to fact-checkers
MENLO PARK, CA — In a twist that could only be described as a plotline from a dystopian tech thriller, the world of fact-checking has...
BREAKING: American Airlines to use flying reindeer to pull airplanes amid technical glitch
American Airlines has announced that their fleet will temporarily be powered by flying reindeer after a catastrophic software glitch grounded their planes. The unprecedented move,...
Starting in 2025, all refrigerators will have life-size replica of RFK Jr. judging your food choices
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to combat unhealthy eating and save the planet, a new federal mandate set to take effect in 2025...
BREAKING: Google office quarantined after someone was wished a ‘Merry Christmas’
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The Google Headquarters shut down Monday after a delivery man cheerfully wished a receptionist a "Merry Christmas". All employees were evacuated and the...
