Around the World
BREAKING: King Charles is not dead; posts photo to show that he is alive and well
LONDON—The British Royal Family has released an adorable photo of King Charles III enjoying a day in with his beloved grandchildren, effectively proving that he...
ACTUALLY: Cannibalism is the most eco-friendly diet and will save the planet
As a triple doctorate in Gender-Queer Wildebeest Grooming, Post-Colonial AI Prompt Engineering, and Post-Feminist Interpretive Dance Theory, I'm clearly the foremost expert on the question:...
Cannibal Haitian Migrants Excited to Feast on Sanctuary City’s Liberal Cuisine
SAN FRANCISCO—In a shocking twist of events, it appears that the recent surge of Haitian migrants heading for the United States isn't just about seeking...
France celebrates killing babies to save them the embarrassment of surrendering later on
PARIS—In a groundbreaking move that has left the international community reeling, the French government has announced its decision to embrace a new strategy for dealing...
Local men dominate International Women’s Day
The 2023 International Women's Day was a great success, focusing mainly on local men who think they're women. "Really, the best women are biological men...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
BREAKING: Biden to dedicate his next beach vacation to the victims of the East Palestine train disaster
WASSHINGTON, DC—In a move that has raised eyebrows and elicited more than a few chuckles, President* Joe Biden announced today that he will be dedicating...
Not to be outdone by Trump’s sneakers, Kamala Harris releases line of golden knee pads
In a bold move to outshine her political rival, former Vice President Kamala Harris has unveiled her latest venture: a line of luxurious, gold-plated knee...
LIFE HACK: American Seniors flying to Mexico to come back as illegal immigrants to get better state benefits
Thousands of senior citizens are flying to Mexico and walking back over the US border as illegal aliens in order to take advantage of the...
CNN: How Biden’s global thermonuclear war could be great for your skin
In the beauty world, achieving a glowing complexion is the ultimate goal. And what better way to get that radiant look than through global thermonuclear...
We’re DINKS and we want you to know how fulfilled we are by letting you know how fulfilled we are
In a world filled with acronyms, we proudly wear the badge of DINK (Dual Income, No Kids). But we're not content with silently enjoying our...
Business News
‘Bloodbaths are only okay when killing millions of babies’ says devout Catholic Nancy Pelosi
WASHINGTON, DC—In a fiery appearance on CNN, Representative Nancy Pelosi (D-CA) took Donald Trump to task for his misuse of the term "bloodbath." The devout...
‘Fetuses are parasites’ says vice president who lives completely on extorted taxpayer money
WASHINGTON, DC—In a recent interview, Vice President Kamala Harris has found herself embroiled in controversy after referring to fetuses as "parasites." The comment, which came...
BREAKING: Clinton Foundation purchases Epstein Island to house Haitian children displaced by unrest
CARIBBEAN—In a move that has shocked the world, the Clinton Foundation has announced its purchase of the infamous Little St. James Island. The once-notorious location,...
US workers ‘finally able to get some work done’ while Facebook was offline for 2 hours today
US—American workers experienced a surge in productivity not seen since the invention of the coffee break, as Facebook mysteriously went offline for a record-breaking 2...
BREAKING: Due to staggering inflation, February now has 29 days
WASHINGTON, DC—As inflation continues to soar to unprecedented heights, the calendar is feeling the squeeze, with February now slated to stretch to 29 days in...
AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’
Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop driving into New York City because of a corrupt court...
Science Grid
ACTUALLY: Cannibalism is the most eco-friendly diet and will save the planet
As a triple doctorate in Gender-Queer Wildebeest Grooming, Post-Colonial AI Prompt Engineering, and Post-Feminist Interpretive Dance Theory, I'm clearly the foremost expert on the question:...
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
Greta Thunberg’s Global Warming Conference cancelled due to sub-arctic freezing temps
A symposium sponsored by the International Global Warming Trust was cancelled today in Michigan as temperatures dipped below -50 degrees F. Experts were quick to...
Spirit Halloween “Science” Costume
Unleash your inner genius and eccentricity with the Spirit Halloween "Science" costume, the perfect choice for Halloween or themed parties. This costume will transform you...
Brave local man cuts off his penis so that other men won’t rape people with theirs
SPRINGFIELD—A brave local man, Hugh Janus, has cut off his penis so that other men won't rape people. This follows a string of rapes by...
REPORT: New Study Finds Men Who Have Taken The Covid Vaccine May Not Be Able To Get Pregnant
San Francisco, CA - In a groundbreaking scientific discovery, a new study has shaken the foundations of biology as we know it. The research, which...
Featured Articles
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’
Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop driving into New York City because of a corrupt court...
Elon Musk buys Kim Kardashian and Kanye West to fix their marriage
Elon Musk announced his most recent multi-billion dollar purchases: Kim Kardashian and Kanye West. “I invested in the West-Kardashian marriage because I believe it is...
FBI says ‘the Big Guy’ in Hunter’s emails was comedian Louie Anderson not Joe Biden
WASHINGTON, DC--Emails by the Federal Bureau of Investigation reveal explicit conversations between Hunter Biden and the comedian, Louie Anderson they say closes the case on...
To prepare for war, Ukrainian troops undergo emergency Critical Race Theory training
UKRAINE—As the nation awaits a Russian invasion, military leaders ordered all soldiers receive last minute critical race theory lessons in preparation for battle. "The Russian...
Health Grid
BREAKING: Keith Olbermann suffers rare TDS complication of urinating out of his eyes
NEW YORK—In a shocking development, renowned political commentator Keith Olbermann has been diagnosed with a rare and previously unheard-of complication of Trump derangement syndrome (TDS):...
Help Us Celebrate Women’s History Month with our ‘Best-Made Sandwich Contest’
This March, we at Genesius Times want to honor women's history like never before. We're going all out to celebrate the best that women have...
Anthony Fauci releases line of Valentines
No one can get enough of America's Doctor, Dr. Anthony Fauci, especially on Valentine's Day. So, the good doctor has released his own line of...
BREAKING: John Bolton hospitalized with a prolonged erection caused by news of war with Iran
CNM News is reporting that former National Security Advisor to President Trump and lifetime hawk has been hospitalized with an unexpected erection that has lasted...
BREAKING: United Airlines bolsters DEI requirements, now hiring blind people as pilots
US—United Airlines announced today that it is bolstering its DEI requirements and is now hiring blind people to be pilots. The announcement comes amid fierce...
Jimmy Kimmel denies getting moob surgery on Epstein Island
HOLLYWOOD—In the latest episode of the surreal sitcom that is Jimmy Kimmel's life, the late-night funnyman finds himself at the center of a swirling controversy...
Religion
Tech Talk
BREAKING: Boeing jets come out as trans-safe: they are not safe but they ‘identify as safe’
SEATTLE—In a groundbreaking turn of events, Boeing has announced that their planes are now officially trans-safe. This comes as a shock to many, as the...
US workers ‘finally able to get some work done’ while Facebook was offline for 2 hours today
US—American workers experienced a surge in productivity not seen since the invention of the coffee break, as Facebook mysteriously went offline for a record-breaking 2...
LOOK at these stunningly real pictures of polar bears Google Gemini AI created
Just look at the beauty and realism! So real in their natural habitat of inventing medicines:
Google admits its Gemini AI just takes its historical figures from Netflix films
In a stunning admission, Google has revealed that its highly touted Gemini AI, which generates lifelike images of historical figures, relies heavily on Netflix documentaries...
Taylor Swift takes private jet to get from one side of her private jet to the other
US—Pop sensation Taylor Swift has unveiled her revolutionary solution for in-flight convenience: taking a private jet to get from one side of her private jet...
Is Vocational School Right For You?
In a world where the traditional path of a four-year college degree is often seen as the only gateway to success, the value of vocational...