BRILLIANT: Tesla unveils ‘Original’ and ‘Extra Crispy’ models 
Mitch McConnell Shatters Personal Record with 25-Hour Blank Stare, Inspired by Cory Booker’s Filibuster 
Cory Booker’s 17-Hour Education Filibuster Ends in Epic April Fools’ Prank: “I Had You All!” 
BREAKING: Pam Bondi releases all Epstein Files, announces arrest of all 366 of Epstein’s clients 
BREAKING: April Fool’s Day cancelled because reality is so ridiculous 
Around the World
BREAKING: Millions of Catholics devastated as Pope Francis has not died at 88
VATICAN CITY, March 24, 2025 – A wave of disappointment has swept through the Catholic world today as millions of the faithful woke up to...
BREAKING: District Court Judge overrules WWII victory, orders US to give Normandy back to Nazis
District Court Judge Hugh Jassole has declared the United States’ victory in World War II “legally invalid,” ordering the immediate return of Normandy, France, to...
BREAKING: Federal Judge orders Putin to cancel Trump-brokered ceasefire and go back to war
Federal Judge Hugh Jassole has issued an extraordinary order demanding that Russian President Vladimir Putin cancel a freshly brokered ceasefire with Ukraine, orchestrated by none...
BREAKING: Trump reveals ‘shocking’ JFK files: Iran killed Kennedy using a camel-powered time machine
WASHINGTON, DC—President Donald Trump today released long-classified JFK assassination files that allegedly reveal Iran as the mastermind behind the 1963 killing of President John F....
Ireland slaps 125% tariff on US Goods until America takes Rosie O’Donnell back
Dublin, Ireland – The Irish government announced today a staggering 125% tariff on all goods imported from the United States, effective immediately, until the US...
Entertainment
Sports
Lifestyle & Beauty
BREAKING: Child of B-List celebrity bravely comes out as attention whore
HOLLYWOOD—In a jaw-dropping moment that caught absolutely no one off guard, 19-year-old Skyler Montague—offspring of former River Hollow teen idol Trent Montague and his wife...
Harry Sisson accuses Lily Phillips of stealing his idea to sleep with over 100 men in a day
The adult entertainment industry has been rocked by a fresh scandal as Harry Sisson publicly accuses OnlyFans star Lily Phillips of intellectual theft, claiming she...
JUST IN: Tone deaf pilot has gender reveal party in the midst of LA wildfires
In what might be the most tone-deaf move since someone decided to throw a birthday party during the Black Plague, a local pilot, known only...
Local dad surprised by the Christmas gifts he gave his kids because his wife did all the shopping
In a heartwarming holiday twist, local resident Mark Thompson was left utterly astonished by the Christmas presents he ostensibly chose for his children, only to...
Family makes annual trip to donate last year’s Chinese junk to make room for this year’s Chinese junk
The Smith family has perfected an annual ritual that combines the spirit of giving with the art of decluttering. On the day after Christmas, when...
Business News
BRILLIANT: Tesla unveils ‘Original’ and ‘Extra Crispy’ models
AUSTIN—In a move that’s equal parts genius and gloriously unhinged, Elon Musk has once again turned disaster into dollar signs, announcing Tesla’s bold new lineup:...
BREAKING: Scientists discover that chickens lay more eggs when you stop killing billions of them for no reason
Researchers at the Institute of Feathered Futures (IFF) have uncovered a startling truth: chickens lay more eggs when you stop mass-slaughtering them under the questionable...
BREAKING: Trump derangement syndrome has mutated into deadlier variant Trump & Elon derangement syndrome
US—Scientists and social commentators alike are sounding the alarm as a new, more virulent strain of Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) has emerged, dubbed Trump &...
Democrats explain that painting Swastikas everywhere and torching immigrant businesses ‘Isn’t Fascism, It’s *Democratic* Fascism’
SEATTLE–Leading Democrats have unveiled a groundbreaking defense of their latest grassroots initiative: painting swastikas on public buildings and setting fire to immigrant-owned businesses. Dubbed “*Democratic*...
If you don’t want your plane to explode and flip over on landing, you may be a sexist racist bigot
It's 2025, and we're still grappling with what it means to be 'woke' on a global scale, but nowhere is this more apparent than at...
US facing ‘massive shortage’ of conspiracy theories as all of them have come true
US—The United States is experiencing the worst shortage of conspiracy theories in decades as all of them have come true in recent weeks. Long lines...
Science Grid
BREAKING: Scientists discover that chickens lay more eggs when you stop killing billions of them for no reason
Researchers at the Institute of Feathered Futures (IFF) have uncovered a startling truth: chickens lay more eggs when you stop mass-slaughtering them under the questionable...
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
Elon Musk Offers ‘The View’ Hosts an All-Woman SpaceX One-Way Ticket to Deep Space
Elon Musk has extended an offer to the hosts of ABC’s The View for an exclusive, all-woman SpaceX flight—a one-way trip to the uncharted depths...
Liberal projectile tears found to be the source of water on the moon
For hundreds of years, researchers and explorers have failed to find evidence of water on the Moon. But just recently presented the first unambiguous evidence...
BREAKING: Trump cancels Global Warming in latest executive order
THE SOUTH—In a move that has stunned scientists and political observers alike, President Donald Trump, one day after his inauguration, signed an executive order effectively...
BREAKING: 8 inches of global warming dumped on South Louisiana
In what can only be described as Mother Nature's twisted sense of humor, South Louisiana woke up this morning to find itself buried under 8...
Featured Articles
Local man lives in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years
A local man is living in constant daylight after saving it for 12 years. "I've done my work and I save my daylight," the retired...
BREAKING: Millions of women report for handmaid duty following Trump inauguration
US—The federal government have instructed millions of women across the country to report for "handmaid duty" following Donald Trump's stunning victory in the 2024 election....
AOC hosts ‘Cooking with Communism’, shows you how to cook your pets
The new smash hit social video show "Cooking with Communism" stars democratic socialist Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, who takes questions while she whips up communist classics...
BREAKING: NFL Suspends Chiefs’ Kicker for Not Meeting League Minimum for Domestic Violence
The NFL has officially suspended Kansas City Chiefs' kicker, Harrison Butker, for his failure to meet the league minimum of domestic violence incidents. The league's...
AOC: ‘I don’t need truckers. I get my food from the grocery store’
Everyone's making a big deal about truckers uniting and the possibility that they may stop driving into New York City because of a corrupt court...
Health Grid
BREAKING: Trump derangement syndrome has mutated into deadlier variant Trump & Elon derangement syndrome
US—Scientists and social commentators alike are sounding the alarm as a new, more virulent strain of Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS) has emerged, dubbed Trump &...
AOC: ‘USAID money laundering protects us from all the germs on money’
Listen, I’ve been saying it for years: Money is disgusting. Like, scientifically, microbially, tuna-smelling disgusting. A single dollar bill can carry up to 3,000 types...
JUST IN: Brave young Democrat influencers cut off their testicles in protest of Trump
In an unprecedented display of political fervor, a group of young, progressive activists known as the "Brave Democrats" - comprised of Harry Sisson, David Hogg,...
BREAKING: California rejects Oregon firefighters after their trucks fail smog check
LOS ANGELES—A battalion of Oregon firefighters, dispatched to aid in the massive California wildfire dubbed "The Charred Palisades," were sent home in disgrace after their...
Mystery Solved: Drones Only Orbiting Chris Christie They Mistook For Home Planet
TRENTON, NJ—In a revelation that has both amused and baffled New Jersey residents, government officials have finally cracked the case of the mysterious drones that...
Local white supremacist protesters demand figgy pudding and won’t go ‘until we get some’
Several suburbs across the metropolitan area have been besieged by live action role-players protesting seemingly random homes with demands of figgy pudding. Police have been...
Religion
Education
Tech Talk
Lyft launches ‘Forklyft’: the Ride-Sharing Service for the Morbidly Obese
In an unexpected twist following the recent lawsuit filed by Detroit rapper Dank Demoss against Lyft, the ride-sharing giant has launched "Forklyft," a spinoff service...
Liberal projectile tears found to be the source of water on the moon
For hundreds of years, researchers and explorers have failed to find evidence of water on the Moon. But just recently presented the first unambiguous evidence...
Fact-checkers deny claims that Mark Zuckerberg is putting an end to fact-checkers
MENLO PARK, CA — In a twist that could only be described as a plotline from a dystopian tech thriller, the world of fact-checking has...
BREAKING: American Airlines to use flying reindeer to pull airplanes amid technical glitch
American Airlines has announced that their fleet will temporarily be powered by flying reindeer after a catastrophic software glitch grounded their planes. The unprecedented move,...
Starting in 2025, all refrigerators will have life-size replica of RFK Jr. judging your food choices
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In an unprecedented move to combat unhealthy eating and save the planet, a new federal mandate set to take effect in 2025...
BREAKING: Google office quarantined after someone was wished a ‘Merry Christmas’
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA—The Google Headquarters shut down Monday after a delivery man cheerfully wished a receptionist a "Merry Christmas". All employees were evacuated and the...
